(un)Civilized: The Consul Bride
by EthanTheRenegade
Summary: Washington brings a mysterious book to the world congress... This parody places some notable figures from Civilization V into the shoes of characters from The Princess Bride. Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chasing, escaping, true love, miracles, and (of course) hilarity will ensue. (Rated PG-13)
1. Prologue: A Mysterious Book

**NOTICE  
**_The following parody is based on the film "The Princess Bride" utilizing historical figures from Sid Meyer's Civilization V. The leaders are depicted in a humorous manner, and not intended to be historically accurate (although a little historical accuracy doesn't hurt). I do not claim ownership for the main plot or the characters. Besides, nobody can own George Washington, Genghis Khan, or Attila The Hun... It's impossible. Mostly because they're dead._

* * *

**P****rologue: A Mysterious Book**

* * *

"…And with that we come to the final item of today's meeting." Washington said from his seat at the head of the congress table. Congress had been relatively slow today, with only four items to attend to. The first three had actually gone by quite quickly. Looking around the room, the American president took note of the attendees.

King Alexander The Great of Greece, a cunning (if self-absorbed) general.  
Queen Dido of Carthage, a beautiful and elegant woman.  
Daimyo Oda Nobunaga of Japan, an honorable man known to never break a treaty or a promise.  
King Harald Bluetooth of Denmark, a teddy bear when at peace and a grizzly bear when at war.  
General-King Attila The Hun, one of the most feared rulers of all time, although mellowed out over the years.  
President Gandhi of India, who promoted peace… backed by more nuclear weapons than every other nation combined.  
King Pacal of the Maya, who was allegedly tormented by visions of an apocalyptic future.  
Queen Boudicca of the Celts, a ferocious warrior noted for pushing back Attila in a war fought ages ago.  
Emperor Montezuma of the Aztec, who was believed to be genuinely insane.  
Doge Enrico Dandolo of Venice, who kept the interests of the city-states close to his heart.  
Empress Maria Theresa of Austria, who was often at odds with Enrico for the favor of city-states.  
And last was Temujin, better known as Genghis Khan, ruler of Mongolia. Genghis Khan and Attila had been allies for as long as they had known each other.

With the attendees at full attention, Washington pulled a suitcase from beside his chair and opened it. Inside was a thick book, which he raised above his head for the table to see.

"This book was delivered anonymously to one of the American counter-spies with the request it be read at this meeting."

"Someone wants us to _read a book_?" Attila The Hun scoffed.

"What's it called?" Alexander asked.

"The Consul Bride… and it doesn't appear to have an author." Washington replied, leafing through the first few pages.

"The Consul Bride? Sounds _romantic_!" Dido exclaimed, almost swooning at the possibilities the book could hold.

"Sounds like a waste of our time." Augustus Caesar grumbled.

"What's it about, exactly?" Boudicca asked.

"Oh, you name it!" Washington said in an almost showman like voice, "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…"

"How do you know that?" Genghis Khan asked, crossing his arms.

"I gave it a read prior to the meeting. I wouldn't just read any random book that someone sends the congress without knowing what's inside." Washington answered.

"Really?" Maria asked with a look of mild disbelief.

"You wouldn't _believe_ how many times we've received smut and slash fiction," Washington deadpanned, "But this time, it was actually interesting enough for my agents to pass it on to me."

"Wait, so you're saying we're in this book?" Alexander asked, his ego swelling at full attention.

"Yes… in fact, Dido is the titular character." Washington said, prompting an excited squeak from the Carthaginian queen.

"This is a waste of our time," Caesar interrupted angrily, "We are not children, and this is not story time!"

"Well this _is_ congress!" Dido said slyly, "Let's put it to a vote. All in favor of Washington reading The Consul Bride?"

Dido raised her hand.  
Alexander The Great raised his hand.  
Oda Nobunaga raised his hand.  
Harald Bluetooth raised his hand.  
Attila The Hun half-heartedly raised his hand.  
Gandhi raised his hand.  
Pacal raised his hand.  
Boudicca raised her hand.  
Montezuma pounded his chest, screaming about anthropomorphic sea sponges that lived in underwater pineapples, so it was counted as a 'yes'.  
Enrico Dandolo raised his hand.  
Maria Theresa raised her hand.  
Genghis Khan raised his hand.  
Washington raised his hand.

Only Augustus Caesar had refused.

"Well, I suppose that settles that," Dido said smugly, "Read on Washington!"

Washington opened the book and began to read.

* * *

**_Congratulations!_**  
_By reading this you have reached the end of the prologue of…_  
**_(UN)CIVILIZED: THE CONSUL BRIDE!_**

_I've got a fun little story planned, and I can't wait for you to read it! Admittedly a crossover between The Princess Bride and Civilization V may not have much potential to deviate from the source material, but I plan on making some shifts and changes, particularly in the endgame._

_While we're talking about Princess Bride crossovers, I recommend __**The Tangled Princess Bride**__ (by Wolfram-and-Hart-Sauron), which seamlessly melds Disney magic with 80's cheese. And they do cover both plots simultaneously and spectacularly. _

_At time of uploading, I have finished nine chapters aside from this prologue and I am near completion of the story. I hope to upload on weekly or bi-weekly intervals._


	2. Chapter One: As You Wish

**A/N: Posting just the prologue was a little unfair… so here's the first chapter!**

* * *

**Chapter One: "As You Wish"**

* * *

Dido was raised in the city of Tyre, as a princess. Seeking to preemptively avoid assassination attempts by her power hungry brother Pygmalion, Dido ran away to Rome, settling down on a farmstead just outside the city boundaries. Dido had difficulty adjusting to a life outside of regal splendor, and spent most of her time either riding horses or tormenting her farmhand Alexander. Dido never once referred to Alexander by his name, only by the title "Farm Boy" which she had bestowed upon him.

Nothing gave Dido as much pleasure as ordering Alexander around.

_"Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to be able to see my face in it by morning."_

This was an example of one such order Dido would give, usually with something that resembled a smug grin on her face.

_"As you wish."_

That response, aside from the occasional question about the job he was asked to perform, was the only thing Alexander said to her.

* * *

"Farm Boy, fills these with water."

Dido dropped two buckets at Alexander's feet. Alexander eyed her curiously, as if awaiting something else. Dido found herself staring back, but not with the same smug look as she usually had. There was something different today. She was feeling something different.

"…Please?" She added to the end, hoping it would absolve the awkward silence.

"As you wish."

Alexander's reply was a relief to Dido for all of two seconds when a sudden realization struck her. It was then that she realized that every time he had said that phrase, he was really saying: "I love you."

Dido hurried back to her home, suddenly very remorseful that she didn't have a bucket of cold water she could splash her face with. Why did this knowledge affect her? How was it of her concern that some lowly farm hand fancied her?

Unless…

* * *

And it was on that day that not only she realized Alexander loved her, but she was starting to love him back.

* * *

Dido was in the process of making an apple pie. She had everything perfectly planned out. Alexander was out getting more firewood for the oven. She had 'misplaced' one of her rolling pins, so she would be able to ask him to fetch it for her. Easy, right?

Dido's heart nearly skipped a beat as the door opened and Alexander placed the armful of kindling on the ground.

"Farm Boy," Dido said, maybe a little too loudly due to Alexander's somewhat surprised reaction, "Could you fetch me…"

Dido blanked, looking frantically around the room for something he could get her. Anything!

"…Fetch me that pitcher?"

Dido was tempted to slap her hand to her face. A pitcher? Really? That was the best she could come up with, a water pitcher that was (quite literally) hanging over her head?

Nonetheless, Alexander slowly walked forward and took the pitcher from its rack on the ceiling and placed it in her hands.

"As you wish."

He had said it so softly. Dido started to smile, and not one of her smug grins, a real smile. She leaned forward towards him and-

* * *

"Okay, I'm going to have stop you here Wash," Alexander spoke up with a reddened face, "I mean, I know these congress meetings are boring, but is this book of yours really a matter of diplomatic importance?"

Washington looked up from the book with a smug grin on his face.

"You had no objections to it being read before. In fact, I believe that only Augustus held objections."

"That's because I resist the fool notion that we be read to like children!" Caesar answered back in a booming voice from his seat at the other end of the table.

"It would be better with more violence." Attila mused aloud.

"Well, I find this book to be quite… interesting," Dido swooned, a smile on her face as she shifted her chair towards Alexander's slightly, "Please, read on!"

* * *

Alexander didn't have enough money to get married, so he set off to amass his fortune across the sea. It was a very difficult and emotional time for Dido.

* * *

"I fear I'll never see you again." Dido said, as she held onto Alexander.

"Of course you will."

"But what if something does happen?"

Alexander seemed slightly amused at the prospect that he could fail.

"Hear this," he said, "what we have is true love. And nothing can stop true love."

* * *

Alexander never reached his destination. The Dread Pirate Genghis Khan attacked his ship. And Genghis was known for never taking prisoners or leaving his captives alive.

* * *

"Aha!" Attila shouted from his seat, "Finally a hint of action!"

Those who had been intently listening quickly shushed Attila, and Washington continued.

"When Dido learned of Alexander's fate-" Washington started.

"What?" Genghis Khan interrupted, "You mean we don't know _anything _about the battle? All we're told is that it happened and Alexander was killed?"

"Well…" Washington attempted to explain before being interrupted again.

"We don't even know if he was given a battle worthy of Valhalla!" Harald complained.

"We do not know if his death was honorable." Oda agreed.

"Let me tell how _I_ would have handled this!" Genghis announced, standing from his chair…

* * *

The Dread Pirate Genghis Khan scanned the horizon like a hungry crocodile at a watering hole, searching for the prey foolish enough to brave his waters. And then he saw it: a ship overflowing with plunder and worthy of his attention. Ordering his men forward, _The Karakorum_ charged through the water toward the merchant frigate. In order to soften his prey for boarding, _The Karakorum_ fired first with its mortars, nearly clearing the deck of its target. As the ship attempted to flee, _The Karakorum_ fired chain shots from the chaser cannons, snapping one of the masts. Genghis Khan was steadily approaching his prey, which rushed to their cannons.

Boarding would be impossible with their cannons intact, and Genghis ordered the ship come alongside its victim with the forty guns loaded and prepared. The moment the ships were lined up, _The Karakorum_ opened fire, gutting the merchant frigate, and finally setting it up for boarding. As Genghis Khan's men worked to close the distance between the two ships, the dread pirate stared across at his prize. However, as he stared he noticed one figure staring back at him. He did not appear to be the captain, or even any of the officers. He was just one brave soul, throwing down the gauntlet.

_Challenge accepted_.

As his men charged across to plunder and murder, Khan slowly drew his sword and stepped aboard the frigate, not once taking his eyes from his challenger.

"You are either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid to challenge me!" Khan roared to the young man who wore an arrogant smirk, "What is your name? Which are you, brave or stupid?"

"I am Alexander, and I have true love on my side! I can't fail. Let's see how 'dreaded' you are!"

And with that, battle was met between the arrogant Alexander and the vicious Khan was met. Alexander struck first, attempting to push his experienced opponent back with quick strikes. Genghis wasn't about to take any of that garbage, and blocked every strike, setting up a parry. However, Alexander did not make the strike he expected, and cut across the pirate's cheek.

Their swords met again, and Alexander began to dictate the direction of the duel, pushing Khan up to the wheel of the boat. Genghis deflected one sword strike and grabbed his opponent's head, smashing it into the center of the wheel. As he moved to impale the Greek sailor, Alexander kicked Khan in the leg, unbalancing him. Alexander grabbed his fallen blade and rolled back to a fighting stance. The two reengaged, each using a mixture of powerful blows and quick strikes. Alexander parried one of Khan's strikes and pushed him into the hull. Genghis dodged the follow-up and retreated down the steps to the deck.

As Alexander followed, the crew of _The Karakorum_ began to gather and watch. The merchant vessel had surrendered, and both ships watched in anticipation of who would win. The crew of _The Karakorum_ knew to never interrupt one of their captain's duels. Pirate and Greek once again crossed swords. Genghis countered one of Alexander's strikes and tripped him, sending the inexperienced swordsman headfirst into a cannon. As Khan went for the killing blow, Alexander rolled out of the way and rose to his feet, landing a glancing blow to Khan's side. The dread pirate roared in anger and struck furiously, pushing Alexander to the only remaining mast. Grabbing a rope and kicking a lever, Alexander ascended to a sniper's perch.

Genghis was forced to take the slower method of climbing his way up. Upon reaching the summit, the two stared each other down.

"I'll admit, you're good…" Alexander taunted, "But I'm better!"

"How amusing… I was about to say the same to you." Genghis replied.

Swords were drawn and battle was joined one more time. Although Genghis was tired from climbing his way to the top, Alexander had taken two blows to the head. Eventually, Khan shifted the angle of his parry and cut Alexander's hand. Alexander dropped his sword, and fell to his knees.

"Please."

That was all he said. It gave Genghis Khan a moment of pause…

Genghis Khan impaled the Greek through the heart with his blade, kicking the body down to the deck. From his place above the ocean, the dread pirate could hear the resounding cheer of his crew.

* * *

"…And _that_ is how it would have happened!" Khan finished, earning a burst of applause from Attila and Harald.

"Oh please, I would have beaten you!" Alexander protested.

"At least your death was honorable." Oda commented.

"Can we _please_ just get back to the book?" Washington asked, exasperated. He turned back to the book and continued.

* * *

When Dido learned of Alexander's fate, she shut herself in her room for days, and promised to never love again.


	3. Chapter Two: When In Rome

**A/N: I've reworded Chapter One to include an imagine spot of a duel between Genghis Khan and Alexander. Go back to read that if you missed it.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: When In Rome…**

* * *

Five years later, the streets of Rome were filled like never before to hear the announcement of Prince Augustus Caesar's bride-to-be.

* * *

A burst of fanfare caught the crowd's attention as the royal family and their guards took to their balcony. King Enrico Dandolo waved absentmindedly to the crowd as his wife, Queen Maria Theresa, smiled proudly. Standing to the right of the prince was his closest advisor and friend, Count Attila. Stepping forward, Augustus Caesar addressed the crowd.

"My people! A month from now, Rome will celebrate its 500th anniversary. On that glorious day, I shall wed a woman who was at one point a lowly commoner as you are. Perhaps you may not find her to be common now."

Augustus looked over the vast crowd with a grin.

"Would you like to meet her?"

The crowd responded with a rousing cheer.

"My people, living among you all this time, the princess of Tyre… Princess Dido!" Augustus announced. The crowd turned as more fanfare announced the coming of the princess. Dressed in a regal robe, Dido emerged from behind the doorway. The crowd bowed to their princess and future queen, either out of respect or fear of reprisal from Augustus Caesar's guards.

* * *

Of course, Dido was less than enthusiastic about marrying Caesar. The law of the land gave him the right to marry whomever he wanted, but she did not love him. To say she even liked him would be a stretch. Despite Caesar's assurances that she would grow to love him, or at the very least appreciate him, Dido found the only thing that gave her anything resembling joy was her daily horse rides.

* * *

Dido rode through a vast forest, contemplating leaving Rome, escaping to somewhere else… anywhere else; somewhere that disgusting Augustus Caesar would not be able to find her. Caesar's attitudes had left Rome with many enemies, and King Dandolo's ailing health would not allow him to repair those bonds. As she rode, Dido encountered three men arguing over a map. One man was quite thin, with round glasses and a kindly look on his face. Another wore a number of swords, and light samurai armor. The last was enormous, incredibly muscular with a lengthy beard. The old, thin man hailed her as she passed.

"Excuse me, milady, my protectors and I have become very lost. Would there happen to be a village or city nearby?" He asked with a soft voice.

Dido looked around briefly before answering, "I'm sorry, there isn't a settlement around for miles."

The largest man began to walk towards Dido as the old man spoke again.

"Then no one will be near enough to hear you scream." He said, his soft voice turning sinister.

Before Dido could crack the reigns of her horse, the bearded man already had her.

* * *

"Excuse me?" Boudicca interrupted, "It's that easy? Just because Dido is a princess, doesn't mean she is defenseless!"

"I'm just reading what is written…" Washington defended himself.

"I mean, sure Dido doesn't quite look like she could lead an army, no offence, doesn't mean she isn't able to outsmart these bandits!"

"Excuse me?" Gandhi asked, "Are you inferring that I am a barbarian?"

"Gentlemen, ladies…" Washington attempted to interject.

"Hey, you're the one abducting a princess in the middle of a forest!" Boudicca shouted.

"And you are taking the content of this story too seriously!" Gandhi shouted back.

"IT'S LEIF ERIKSON DAY!" Montezuma interrupted with his ramblings, "HINGA DINGA DURGEN!"

"Alright, _that's_ offensive!" Harald shouted, standing up.

"Can I get some decorum in here please?" Washington pleaded.

"ENOUGH!"

The shout was loud enough to diffuse the situation, as everyone turned to stare at a fuming Maria Theresa.

"Everyone sit down and be silent! I want to hear the story, not discuss the depiction of women in the media or the representation of Danish culture by insane Aztecs!"

After a full minute of silence, Washington continued.

* * *

"What's that you're ripping?" The man with swords asked his elderly boss, who was attaching ripped cloth to the horse Dido had been riding.

"Fabric from the uniforms of the footmen of the American army." The old man answered, as he tended to his work.

"Where's America?" The large man asked as he carried Dido onto their boat.

"They're across the sea. Rome has many enemies, but America is their most hated one," The old man answered back, sending the horse back toward Rome, "When Caesar discovers his betrothed's corpse on American soil, his suspicions will be confirmed, and there will be war." He continued, boarding the boat.

"Whoa, whoa, hey!" The large man spoke, turning to his boss, "You said nothing of murdering innocent women when you hired us for the job."

"I hired you to help me start a war. It's a highly prestigious line of work; countries have been doing it like this for years! One leader goes to another, an arrangement is set, a representative is sent, something like this happens, then war!" The old man said with a clap of his hands.

"I still don't think it's right." The large man said again.

"I may be growing old, but did I hear you say that you think?" The old man seemed ready to explode, "I hired you for your muscle, not your brain, you berry-addicted vegetable!"

"I agree with Harald," the swordsman said, jumping aboard, "there is no honor in killing that girl."

"What happens to her is not of your concern! I will kill her if you lack the stomach for it!" The old man had officially flipped his lid as he stormed to the swordsman, "But never forget this, Oda: I found you on the roadside blubbering about your 'honor', so drunk you couldn't handle your sword for seppuku!"

"And you," he said turning to the larger man again, "Do you want me to send you back to where you came from? Pushing rocks in exchange for blueberries in Mongolia?"

With this rant ended, the old man finally stormed toward the front of the ship, leaving the swordsman and the giant relatively alone.

"Gandhi… he can really fuss." The swordsman said, earning a small laugh from Harald.

"Fuss, fuss… I think he just likes to scream at _us_!" He replied, grinning a little.

"I don't think he means any _harm_."

"He appears to be a little short on _charm_!" The Viking continued the chain as the ship pulled away from shore.

"Harald, you've got a gift for _rhyme_."

"I do, Oda… some of the _time_."

"Enough of that!" Gandhi attempted to interject.

"Harald, are there rocks _ahead_?"

"If there are, we'll soon be _dead_!"

"No more rhyming! I mean it!" Gandhi again interrupted, stomping his foot on the deck.

"Anybody want a peanut?" Harald asked, raising a bag of nuts with a wild grin on his face.

"ARRRRRRGH!" Gandhi shouted in frustration and annoyance.

* * *

It was nighttime as the group continued to sail across the calm waters.

"We should reach the Rock of Gibraltar by dawn if… why do you keep doing that?" Gandhi asked as Oda continued to scan the horizons.

"Are you certain that we aren't being followed?" The Japanese swordsman asked, as he continued to search the surroundings.

"That would be inconceivable." Gandhi responded smugly.

"Despite what you think, you will be caught," Dido spoke up, catching their attentions, "and when Caesar gets ahold of you, you will all be hanged."

"Of all the necks on this boat, you should be a little more concerned about your own." Gandhi said in his sinister voice.

Oda Nobunaga continued to look around, not convinced the danger had passed.

"Could you stop doing that?" Gandhi asked, exasperated, "We can relax, the job's almost over!"

"You're sure that no one is following us?"

"As I said, it would be absolutely, positively, inconceivable! No one in America knows about this plot, and no one from Rome could have reached us this quickly!" Gandhi said, settling his head against the boat and closing his eyes.

"Just out of curiosity, why do you ask?" Gandhi asked, reopening his eyes.

"Well, I looked behind us, and I'm pretty sure something is there."

"_WHAT?_" Gandhi nearly shouted as he launched himself from his seat and to the back of the boat. Sure enough there was a ship of some kind.

"Well I suppose it's just some… fishermen out for a pleasure cruise… in monster-infested waters."

As the three kidnappers stared at the ship behind them, a splash was heard. They simultaneously turned to see Dido attempting to swim away, maybe to the other ship.

"What are you waiting for, _swim after her_!" Gandhi shouted to his men.

"I can't swim very well." Oda shrugged.

"Do you _think _I can swim in this?" Harald deadpanned, gesturing to his heavy Viking armor.

"GAH!" Gandhi would have torn out his hair if he had any, "Bring the ship around!"

As Gandhi and his men struggled to bring the ship around, Dido continued to swim until a strange wailing noise was heard from under the water.

"Do you know what that sound is?" Gandhi taunted, "Although it may sound like the call of the damned, it may be close enough. That's the cry of the shrieking eel, and it only gets _louder_ as it approaches its prey!"

Dido looked around, hoping to find some other explanation, but the elderly Indian's words were confirmed when a large black snake-like creature passed by, brushing her leg as it did, causing her to scream.

"If you swim back to the ship now, I promise no further harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels."

Dido was frozen with fear as three of these eels began to glide in circles around her. One of them broke from the circle, mouth open, ready for a bite of human flesh. Dido's eyes were wide with terror as the-

* * *

"You know, she doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time." Washington interrupted his reading, looking around the room at the expressions of his audience.

"_At this time_?" Dido repeated back with a look of horror on her face as she held Alexander in a death grip.

"Calm down, Dido," Boudicca said, walking over to put a reassuring hand on Dido's shoulder, "You're the heroine of the story. If you die, it'll be closer to the end of the book."

"Boudicca does hold a valid point," Caesar said as he leaned back in his chair, "You can relax now, preferably before you suffocate Alexander."

Dido released Alexander from her grip, causing him to fall forward onto the table gasping at the sudden burst of oxygen.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you're getting interested in the story." Harald mocked the Roman emperor as he put his feet on the table.

"No, I was more concerned about the health and safety of-"

"Oh come on, you've never really liked Alexander." Genghis Khan cut Caesar off before he could attempt to recover his position.

"Can we get back to the story please?" Dido excitedly asked, turning to Washington.

* * *

Dido's eyes were wide with terror as the eel charged towards her, but it was struck in the head by Harald, who then leaned over the side of the boat and pulled Dido back in.

"That ship is getting closer." Oda observed as Gandhi bound Dido's hands.

"That is of no concern to us!" Gandhi snapped back, before turning his attention back to Dido, "I suppose you think you're brave."

"Only compared to certain individuals." Dido answered back sharply.

* * *

"See? _That's_ what I'm talking about!" Boudicca said, "Dido may not be able to hold a sword, but she was smart enough to try to escape!"

"Thanks… I think." Dido responded.

"I believe we should resume the story, lest we risk the wrath of 'Mother Maria'." Oda commented as Washington turned to the next page.

* * *

**A/N: Another chapter so soon? Excuse me for being impatient. It'll help tie you over while I continue to write the story and rework sections of the chapters I've already written.**


	4. Chapter Three: The Rock of Gibraltar

**A/N: Did I say I was hoping to update on a weekly basis? I'm sorry, I'm just a little too excited to get this story out. I'll try to avoid overloading you, but by this rate the story could be finished and posted within a month.**

* * *

**Chapter Three: The Rock of Gibraltar**

* * *

By morning, the ship that had been spotted the night before was getting much closer.

"Are they using the same wind as we are?" Oda wondered aloud as he worked to steer the small boat.

"That doesn't matter, we've made it!" Gandhi answered, staring in awe at the cliffs ahead, "The Rock of Gibraltar! Quickly, move… that thing!" Gandhi ordered Harald, who attempted to translate his employer's orders.

"No, the other thing! Okay, now that thing too!"

The ship that followed them looked to be turning away from the pass, as it was too large to fit. Docking at the only available inlet within the pass, Gandhi clasped his hands with glee.

"We're safe! Only Harald is strong enough to carry us up this pathway. Whoever that is will have to sail around for hours trying to find a harbor!"

The group disembarked as Harald put on a special leather vest, covered with straps. After Dido was forcibly strapped in, Gandhi and Oda strapped themselves in as well. With everyone aboard, Harald began to climb the prepared rope, albeit with slight difficulty.

"Climb faster Harald! We have a schedule to keep!" Gandhi ordered.

"To hell with your schedule! We'll get there when we get there!" Harald retorted as he began to climb a little faster.

"You_ dare_ to speak to your employer and elder in this manner?"

"If I slip and fall… _everyone dies_… so shut it so I can concentrate on us _not dying_!" Harald snapped at his employer, pausing his ascent for a moment.

Meanwhile, a small, one-man boat docked in the same location theirs had, and a masked man, clad entirely in black leather armor stepped onto the shore and began to climb up their rope. While Harald was a little under three quarters the way up the cliff, the man in black was already just past one quarter the height of the rock wall.

"He's climbing our rope… and gaining on us." Oda said in relative surprise.

"Inconceivable!" Gandhi agreed, "Harald, climb faster!"

Harald began to speed his ascent as Gandhi continued to berate him.

"You were supposed to be this colossus, a legend! How are you this slow?"

"I'm… carrying… three people!" Harald spat out as he climbed, "Tell me… is he carrying… three people?"

"Is it not clear enough that your job is at stake?" Gandhi shouted as he looked down at the man in black.

* * *

"Hold on a minute!" Harald exclaimed as he stood up, "Are you suggesting I _couldn't_ carry three people up the Rock of Gibraltar?"

"_I'm_ not…" Washington said, raising his hands in defeat.

"It would be quite the feat of strength, provided you are capable of accomplishing it." Oda remarked.

Harald turned to the man beside him, "Is that a challenge? I'll book a flight to Gibraltar right now! I'll carry you, Dido, and Gandhi up with ease!"

"I don't think it's that easy…" Washington attempted to reason with the Danish king.

"Well, Gandhi weighs virtually nothing and even with his ceremonial armor, I could easily carry Oda around on my back! Dido, how much do you weigh?"

"_Excuse_ me?" Dido snapped back, "You do _not_ ask a lady how much she weighs!"

"Or her age…" Enrico tossed his two cents in.

"_LOOK_ AT THAT _CLOUD_!" Montezuma shouted, pointing out the window at cloud that looked vaguely similar to an elephant, "IT'S A GIRAFFE! A POOFY GIRAFFE! _POOF_!"

"…What does he _do_, exactly? Anyone know?" Augustus asked as Montezuma rambled about clouds and zoo life.

"Well, from what I've seen, his government is generally self-sustainable," Pacal attempted to explain, "He mostly sits in his office watching children's cartoons and sacrificing his animal crackers to the gods."

"And he_ rules a nation_?" Alexander asked, looking over at the insane Aztec.

"Quiet down now, let's get back to the story!" Maria restored balance to the congress.

"Shush! We are reading! Be quiet everyone, including me." Montezuma said in a rare moment of clarity.

Washington opened the book and was about to pick up where he left off when there was another sound.

"Shhh! Who's making that noise?" Montezuma looked around as everyone stared at him.

"Oh, it's me again."

* * *

Finally, the kidnappers had reached the summit. Oda crawled up from Harald's back, pulling Dido up first, followed by Gandhi. As Oda helped Harald up, Gandhi drew a knife and furiously cut away at the rope.

Finally, the rope was cut and the three rushed to the edge of the cliff to ensure the demise of the man chasing them. To their surprise, the man clung to the edge of the cliffs and began to climb up.

"He didn't fall? Inconceivable!" Gandhi shouted in anger.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it does." Oda said, looking over.

"Well, he's chasing us, so he must have an idea of what's happening here, so he needs to die…" Gandhi said, turning his attention back to his men, "Harald, pick her up. Oda, we'll meet you in the American frontier. If he falls, fine, if not, use the sword."

"I shall give him a warrior's death." Oda said with a slight bow.

"You are aware we're in a hurry?" Gandhi asked angrily.

"Of course. A warrior's death only means the death blow will be quick, not the fight itself."

"Be careful Oda," Harald said, "Men who cower behind masks cannot be trusted."

"I'm WAITING!" Gandhi shouted, drawing Harald's attention. The Viking gave his Japanese friend a friendly pat of the back and walked away with Dido over his shoulder.

Oda Nobunaga practiced his footwork and arm movements in preparation for the upcoming duel. However, after a minute, he grew impatient, and went back to the side of the cliff.

"Hello there," He shouted down to the man in black with a wave, "Moving slowly?"

"I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as I make it look, could you please not distract me?" He answered back.

"My apologies!"

"Thank you!"

Oda shrugged and resumed his practices for a few seconds or so before returning to the cliff's side.

"Would you be able to move quicker?" He asked.

"If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or tree branch, or anything useful!" The man called back, annoyed.

"I do have rope up here… but I suppose it may not help you in the long run. I am ordered to kill you."

"…That does put a damper on our relationship!"

"I will promise not to kill you until you've reached the top."

"…Very… comforting," The man said, "But I'm afraid you'll have to wait."

"I'm not fond of simply waiting around," Oda called down, "May I give you my word as a samurai?"

"You must… not be one anymore, considering you've been bought… by some…" The man replied as he attempted to scale the cliffs.

"Is there anything I can offer to earn enough trust from you?"

"Nothing… springs to mind!"

"I swear on the soul of my father you will reach the top alive." Oda called down, looking quite serious.

After a pause, came the response.

"Throw down the rope!"

* * *

"Oh this is going to be good!" Attila shouted, "If this book can come up with a duel half as good as what Genghis cooked up-"

"Then quiet down and we'll find out!" Boudicca shushed him.


	5. Chapter Four: The Honorable Duel

**A/N: This chapter goes out to Xerion, who was the first person to review! Thank you for your cryptic messages.**

* * *

**Chapter Four: The Honorable Duel**

* * *

When the man in black reached the top of the cliff he drew his sword.

"Rest first. Killing an unprepared opponent in a duel is dishonorable." Oda said, sitting down on a nearby rock.

"Thank you." The man in black replied sheathing his sword. As he sat down and emptied his boots of rocks and dirt, Oda eyed him curiously.

"Not to pry, but do you happen to wear that mask to cover a scar over your eye?" Oda asked.

"I'm thankful that my face hasn't been tarnished by something like that. The mask is more to allow me to retain my anonymity."

"Then do you happen to have dark hair?"

The man in black pulled the back of his mask up, revealing lighter brown hair.

"Sorry to disappoint. Is that how you always start conversations?"

"My father was murdered by a man with a scar over his eye. My father was a lesser nobleman, but a noble man nonetheless," Oda said, looking down slightly,

"A warlord visited one day and requested my father's men craft him a special set of swords, and in return he would help elevate my father's status. My father agreed. I carry three of the four swords with me."

Oda drew one of his blades and held it out for the man to admire.

"I've never seen an equal to this sword. Brilliant craftsmanship. It's a three body blade isn't it?" The man asked. Oda nodded and sheathed the sword.

* * *

"Hold on, what do you mean a 'three body blade'?" Alexander asked Oda.

"The sharpness of the katana is tested by how far down a stack of bodies it can pass through before it stops. Common practice during the medieval era was to use dangerous criminals, prisoners of war…"

"That is _disgusting_!" Enrico interrupted, shocked.

"Barbaric!" Maria agreed.

"We use pigs in our modern times. Besides, the katana is now more for ceremony than for war." Oda continued, not skipping a beat.

"Curiosity satisfied. Could someone get some water for Dido? She appears to be a little green." Alexander commented as Dido held a hand over her mouth.

"Perhaps some reading will take her mind off it?" Washington said as he turned back to the book.

* * *

"I take it that because you have the swords the warlord wasn't a man of his word." The man in black said.

"The warlord returned and demanded the swords. When my father learned he had no intention of holding his end of the deal, he refused. The warlord took one of the swords and impaled him through the heart. I loved my father, so I naturally challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed, and he left me with these."

Oda gestured to a set of scars on his face.

"How old were you?" The man in black asked.

"I was seventeen years old," Oda said, "And I dedicated myself to the way of the samurai, so that the next time we meet, I may look him in the eye and say: Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Impressive. But this studying and swordplay is _all_ you've done?" The man asked.

"Well, it's been twenty years, and I've not found him," Oda said, moving to sit beside the man, "I only work for Gandhi to pay the bills… there's not enough money in revenge alone. Gandhi is difficult to work for at times, but the pay is enough to fuel my search. If I had other options I would take them."

"Well, I certainly hope you find him someday." The man said standing up.

"So you are ready then?" Oda asked, standing as well.

"Well, you've been more than fair, I had best be prepared by now." The man admitted as he stretched his legs.

"You seem an honorable man. It is truly unfortunate I must kill you."

"You seem an honorable man. I hate to die!"

Oda drew a sword, as did the man in black.

"Begin!"

* * *

"Finally! Some real action from this book!" Attila shouted from his seat. Again, the listeners shushed him.

* * *

The man in black and Oda traded a few testing blows to judge the other's reflex and speed. They circled around each other slowly, looking for an opening, an opportunity.

Finally, Oda made a few quick strikes, and the fight was on. The two pushed each other back and forth, up and around the ruins of the watchtower. Oda made a quick slash and spun his blade, hoping to disarm his masked opponent. The masked man pulled his sword away and attempted another thrust, only to be deflected by Oda's katana.

"You appear to be using an ancient Aztec style." Oda commented as he made a few low swipes at his masked opponent's feet.

"I found it suits the rough terrain." The man responded as he blocked and jumped to avoid the samurai's sword.

"Naturally, you must expect me to retaliate with Mayan." Oda replied, chasing his opponent up the ruins of the tower with short, quick, and wavy slashes.

"Naturally, but I find that using Celtic nullifies that advantage, don't you?"

The man in black spun his blade around, nearly disarming his Japanese opponent, and leapt to the ground below.

"Unless I have studied my Mongolian!" Oda exclaimed flipping to the ground and landing in a fighting stance, "Which I have."

The fight resumed, with the blades clinking and clanking as they made contact.

"I must admit you had more skill than I had anticipated. Perhaps more than mine." Oda declared as the swordsmen pushed behind their swords, each trying to overpower the other.

"Then why are you smiling?" The man in black asked between gritted teeth.

"Because, my masked friend, I know something you do not." Oda did not appear tired in the least as he moved his blade around, trying to unbalance his opponent.

"And what may that be?"

"I am not using my dominant hand."

Oda suddenly pushed hard against his blade, knocking the masked man back. Oda used the pause in the action and shifted his grip on his katana. Suddenly he had the advantage, pushing his opponent back and up into the ruined tower with quick and powerful strikes. Eventually, he caught his opponent near the edge of the cliff, and the two locked blades again.

"You _are_ quite skilled." The masked man said.

"I should be, after twenty years."

"But I too know something you do not." The man in black was smiling for some reason.

"Hmm?"

"I'm not using my dominant hand either."

The masked man pushed Oda back, dramatically tossing his weapon into the air and catching it by the hilt with the other hand. After a brief duel, the man disarmed Oda, sending his sword at the foot of the tower. The Japanese man dove and rolled, transforming into a battle-ready position.

The man in black threw his blade into the air and dove after it, spinning in the air, landing, and catching his sword by the handle.

"Who are you supposed to be, underneath that mask?" Oda asked.

"No one in particular." The man smiled lightly.

"I am disappointed. I would have preferred to know the face of my enemy, but I would settle for his name."

"I'm afraid you'll have to be disappointed this time."

Oda shrugged, drawing another blade to go alongside his first. Twisting them around in his hands, Oda reengaged the duel. Despite having the advantage of two swords, Oda could not quite regain his previous advantage.

The man in black was lightning fast, blocking the constant storm of strikes from Oda's two katanas. At one point, one of the samurai's swords was lost, launched in the air above him. Oda continued the fight with one katana, directing the movement of the battle before catching the second from midair and resuming his push.

However, this would be short-lived, as during a spinning flurry of slashes, Oda was relieved of both of his swords, and the masked man's blade was at his throat.

"Make it quick."

"That would deprive the world of a talented swordsman, an artist on the battlefield. Besides, you still have that scarred warlord to find," The masked man said, circling behind Oda, "However, I can't allow you to follow me despite the respect you have earned."

He struck the Japanese warrior in the back of the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him unconscious. The masked man sheathed his blade and followed the tracks left by the Viking and the Indian.

* * *

"Ah-ha!" Harald cheered, clapping Oda on the back, "That's a duel worthy of Valhalla!"

"I agree!" Attila said, rising from his seat, "An excellent burst of violence and action to make up for the tedious dialogue in the beginning!"

"Quiet down and let the story resume! I want to know who this masked man is!" Maria scolded the men.

"I think it's fairly obvious…" Enrico muttered under his breath.

"Don't you dare spoil it!" Maria warned, lightly slapping the Doge on the arm.

"Where are the refreshments?" Augustus whispered to an aide as Washington turned back to the book.


	6. Chapter Five: The Civilized Brawl

**A/N: This chapter was supposed to be up much earlier. Weather-related power outages and failures delayed it. Thanks to Anakin3902 for being my first follow and to Xerion for being the first favourite! This one's for you guys.**

* * *

**Chapter Five: The Civilized Brawl**

* * *

"INCONCEIVABLE!" Gandhi shouted in fury as the man in black ran across the plain towards them, "Give her to me! Handle this and catch up quickly!"

"You want me to fight him or what?" Harald asked, passing Dido over to him.

"Yes! Kill him your way!" Gandhi ordered. Harald looked around.

"We're not near enough to a tavern for us to do it any of my ways."

"GAH! Just finish him, and quickly! Just grab a big rock or something and smash him with it as he passes by!" Gandhi shouted, as he pulled Dido along.

"…That's not how we do things in Denmark," Harald said to himself, looking around at his surroundings, "No, we drink, we fight, we make our ancestors proud… nothing to boast about ambushing someone like a coward."

Harald climbed up a small hill and noticed a large tree that had been partially uprooted. Next to it was a large battle-axe, as if the gods had gifted him with a plan of attack. Taking the axe, Harald hacked away at the tree until it threatened to collapse onto the road.

The man in black drew closer, eyes focused on the pass. It would be so easy to cause the tree to land on him. But Harald had a better idea. He was going to send a message to his opponent. He was going to get some answers. When the man in black was close enough, Harald made one last strike into the tree. As the man in black charged around the corner the tree nearly landed on top of him.

"You know, that tree didn't have to miss you!" Harald said, jumping down to the path wielding the large age.

"I believe you!" The man said as he stepped over the tree.

"Now your life depends first on this question. Is Oda Nobunaga, that samurai you fought, still alive?" Harald asked, holding his axe at a ready stance.

"Yes, he is."

"Good. Then in that case, we shall settle this as the gods intended!" Harald announced, "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."

"So… I put down my sword, and you put down that axe, and we handle this like civilized gentlemen?" The man asked.

"Ha! Civilized!" Harald laughed, "This may not be the most civil way, and maybe not as honorable as Oda's way, but it's how Viking brothers would settle disputes. And it'll do between me and you!"

"I must admit the odds are in your favor here." The man in black said, dropping his sword.

"Be that as it may… perhaps you'll surprise me!" Harald said, burying his axe in the earth with a mighty slam.

"Just out of curiosity…" The masked man wondered, "What if I had killed your samurai friend?"

"Then we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd be dead, is what I'm saying." The Viking said as he methodically cracked his fingers and neck.

The two combatants circled around each other for a moment before the masked man charged the Viking. He landed with a thud against his opponent, who laughed the attempt off as if it were merely a tickle. The masked man backed off and tried again, resulting in similar failure.

"Are you just messing around with me?"

"I just want you to feel like you tried. It may not save all of your dignity, but perhaps just enough that people will not laugh at your gravestone."

Harald swung with a right hook, but the masked man rolled underneath him.

"You're quick though, I'll give you that!"

"I have to be, considering your size!" The man in black said.

"Are you suggesting I'm overweight?" Harald shouted. The man in black had a look of fear, as if he was expecting a charge. But instead Harald laughed as the two began to circle each other again.

"So why wear that mask? Is it because you're ugly? Scarred? Do you have a scar on your-"

"No, it's just quite comfortable. I'm sure everyone will have one in the future. Shame no one can see how handsome I am." The masked man said, dodging the wild swings of the Viking.

"Does that make you something like Robin Hood?"

"Maybe!" The masked man exclaimed as he dodged one blow and jumped onto and from a bolder. He landed on the Viking's back, putting him in a sleeper hold.

"I didn't expect you to give me this much… trouble!" Harald exclaimed as he charged back first into a bolder, winding the masked man.

"Why is… that?" He gasped out

"I'm actually more… accustomed… to fighting… multiple opponents!" Harald said as he lumbered over to another bolder, "You know, charity fights and… that kind of… thing!"

He slammed his back into the boulder a few times, hoping to dislodge his attacker to no avail.

"You… need a differ… different… strategy… when… fighting… more… than… one…" Harald slowly sunk to his knees before collapsing face first into the dirt.

The masked man struggled to roll the Viking over, and looked down on him.

"The headache you might get is probably nothing compared to what you may have had in the past… but I still don't envy it. Now, I must be on my way, but in the meantime, sleep well… and dream of well-endowed women." He said as he stretched his sore muscles. Taking his sword from the ground, he continued on his way.

* * *

Harald cheered loudly and clinked his mug with Attila, Boudicca, Genghis, and Oda.

"If you were to lose a battle, that would be an accurate enough imagining!" Genghis exclaimed.

"We'll have to test that theory!" Boudicca laughed.

"On your own time." Caesar said disdainfully as he ate apple slices from a fruit tray.

"Well, well, well…" Dido teased, "Is Augustus getting into the story?"

"I think he is!" Boudicca joined in.

"If we had been allowed weapons, that little brawl would have gone very differently!" Harald announced, "Gather 'round children, Uncle Harald's got his own story to tell!"

Washington put his hand to his face.

* * *

The man in black stood shaking in his boots at the sight of the Viking warrior and his enormous axe. With a mighty roar, the Viking charged with the axe raised high above his head. The man let out a girly scream as he ran around, trying to evade the wrath of Harald Bluetooth. His back to a bolder, the masked man dove away from the killing blow, which split the rock in half.

Seeing his chance, the masked man tried to slash at his opponent, only to have the sword pulled from his hand and thrown into a distant tree. Harald advanced on his puny opponent, who crawled and cowered, begging for mercy.

Even with his axe buried in a bolder, Harald was just as dangerous barehanded. Grabbing the man in black by the leg, he spun around and slammed his cowardly opponent into an intact bolder. Toying with his victim, Harald walked over his back slowly, intentionally forcing more weight down with every step. Finally, he took his victim by the neck-

* * *

"Okay, Harald, that's enough. You're scaring Dido." Maria scolded as Dido once again held Alexander in a death grip.

"Boudicca, can you work your magic and calm her down please? I'm going to resume the reading as soon as I find… the page…" Washington asked as he flipped through the pages.

* * *

"INCONCEIVABLE!" Gandhi shouted in fury as the man in black ran across the-

* * *

"You already read that part." Genghis Khan complained.

"Where was I then?" Washington asked.

"I believe the man in black just finished fighting Harald." Enrico answered.

"Yes, that's right, Harald had a little bit of the spotlight for a few minutes… ok, here we go…"

* * *

Augustus Caesar traced the movements of the footprints in the sand.

"This was… the site of a duel. It ranged all over these ruins. Both swordsmen were very skilled, perhaps even masters in their arts."

"Who won? How did it end?" Attila asked from atop his horse.

"The loser ran off alone… but the winner followed that set of footprints that lead… towards America." Caesar mused aloud for his men and advisor to hear.

"Do we follow one track or both?"

"The loser is of no concern. This is clearly a ploy by American solders, and thus we must be on our guard for what they've planned ahead. All that matters is getting the Princess back to Rome for the wedding."

* * *

"Wait, he just cares about getting her back for the wedding?" Dido asked, looking quite offended.

"That sexist son of a bi-"

"YARR HARR FIDDLEY DEE, BEING A PIRATE IS ALL RIGHT TO BE!" Montezuma's ramblings interrupted Boudicca.

"Well, at least Montezuma approves of your fictional career path, Genghis!" Washington joked to the Mongolian leader as he turned back to the book.


	7. Chapter Six: The Battle of Wits

**A/N: I know I've been a little rapid with my updates, but I'm going to try to space them out a little more. Admittedly posting six chapters within a week when I'm not quite finished the story was not my brightest idea.**

* * *

**Chapter Six: The Battle of Wits**

* * *

The man in black charged up a hill, only to find Gandhi seated at a picnic dinner with Dido bound and gagged next to him.

"And so it is left between you and I." Gandhi said, eating from the bowl of rice that sat on the rock in front of him.

The man in black began to slowly walk forward, prompting the old man to grab a dagger and aim it at his captive's throat.

"If you want to see her die, by all means, continue."

"If you would allow me to explain…" The man in black started

"There's nothing to explain," Gandhi cut him off, "You're attempting to kidnap from me what I have rightfully stolen!"

"That makes us both thieves. Perhaps an arrangement can be forged?"

"There will be no arrangements. And the closer you come to me, the closer the knife is to her neck." Gandhi warned sharply, the blade inching closer to Dido's throat.

"Then we have reached an impasse." The man in black stated, stopping his approach.

"It would appear so! I'm no longer capable of matching you physically, and you cannot dream of matching my intellect." Gandhi responded, reaching to his wine glass for a drink.

"Is that so?" The man asked, crossing his arms.

"Allow me to repeat what the Oracle said of me: generations to come will scarcely believe that such a one as this walked the earth in flesh and blood." Gandhi said with a slight smile.

"Really?" Alexander asked in equal parts disbelief, curiosity, and sarcasm, "In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the princess?"

The man nodded.

"To the death?"

The man nodded again.

"Very well, I accept." Gandhi said, sheathing his weapon.

The man in black took a seat as Gandhi poured the wine into two cups. From his pocket, the man brought forth a special vial.

"Smell this, but do not touch it." The man said, passing it to Gandhi.

"There is no scent." Gandhi replied.

"That is because it is iocane powder. It is tasteless, odorless, dissolves almost instantly in liquid, and is one of the most deadly of poisons."

Gandhi watched as the man took both cups of wine, and turned around. After a few seconds, he turned back, switching the goblets around, and finally placing one in front of himself and the other in front of Gandhi.

"The battle of wits has officially begun. Where is the poison? The battle ends when you decide where it is, and we will discover who is right and who is dead."

"But it's so simple!" Gandhi said with a smile. "All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or the goblet of his enemy?"

"Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"...So you've decided?" The man asked.

"Not quite. Because iocane is popular in Venice, and Venice is almost entirely populated with politicians, and politicians are used to having people assassinate them, as you are attempting to do to me right now, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"Your intellect is_ truly_ dizzying…" The man deadpanned.

"Wait until I'm warmed up," Gandhi said, "Where was I?"

"…Venice?"

"Ah yes, and you must not have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

"Okay, now you're just stalling." The man groaned, putting a hand to his head.

"You'd like to _think_ that, wouldn't you?" Gandhi shouted.

"You've beaten my Viking, which means you're strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting in your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my samurai, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal and prone to death, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"What kind of _insane_ breed of logic is this? Are you trying to get something out of this rambling?" The man asked.

"I've already gained enough knowledge from this meeting!" Gandhi exclaimed, "You've already revealed where the poison is!"

"So where is it?"

"It's in- what in the world is that?" Gandhi suddenly asked.

The masked man turned around, and the moment he did Gandhi switched the glasses. Dido attempted to warn him through her gag, but Gandhi flashed his dagger at her.

"There was nothing there." The man said as he turned back around.

"I must have been mistaken, in my age. Now we drink, me from my glass and you from yours." Gandhi said, a knowing smirk on his face.

Each man slowly reached for his glass. The man in black gulped the wine down. Smiling, Gandhi took a small sip from his goblet. When the cups were lowered, each man bore a grin of their face.

"You've guessed wrong."

"Ha! You only think I've guessed wrong!" Gandhi burst out into laughter, "I switched the goblets while you were distracted! You've fallen for one of the classic blunders, the most famous being 'never race a Mongolian on horseback', but slightly lesser known is this: never engage an Indian when life and liberty is on the line!"

Gandhi continued to laugh until he collapsed to the ground. The man in black stood up and pulled the gag from Dido.

"Who are you?" She demanded.

"No one to be toyed with." The man stated.

"You put the poison in your own goblet?" She asked curiously.

"Actually, _neither_ cup was poisoned. See, the battle was to find where the poison was. I never said the poison was in one of the goblets." The masked man admitted.

"So… how is he-?" Dido asked glancing over at Gandhi's body.

"I merely wanted to tire the old man out. For all the talking and laughing he did, he must have exhausted himself. Now come along, please."

* * *

"What is this?" Dido shouted from her seat, shocking those beside her.

"Pardon?" Washington asked, looking up from his book.

"So I meet this handsome farmhand, he goes off to get enough money to marry me, he dies, and suddenly there's this new guy to drop in and sweep me off my feet? No, I'm not buying that! Something's fishy here!"

"Are you not even a little curious about this mysterious masked man?" Maria asked knowingly.

"…A little curious, yeah." Dido responded quietly.

"Please, resume reading." Gandhi spoke up.

* * *

"Someone has bested a Viking in single combat," Augustus said gravely as he examined the area, "America will burn if my wedding is ruined."

* * *

"See, there he is _again_ with the _wedding_!" Boudicca complained, "It's like he doesn't _care_ about who he's marrying!"

"Can I get a few sentences _without_ being interrupted?" Washington lamented.


	8. Chapter Seven: Interesting Developments

**A/N: This chapter has brief language. You probably don't care, but I feel obligated to warn you.**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Interesting Developments**

* * *

The man in black led Dido across a rocky hillside, eventually taking shelter beside a bolder.

"Stop here and catch your breath." He ordered.

"If you release me, whatever you want in ransom you'll get! I promise you!" Dido said in between breaths.

The man laughed a somehow familiar laugh, "And what may that be worth? You're quite funny, your highness."

"I was giving you a chance," Dido warned, "Augustus Caesar leads the greatest hunters and warriors of Rome. Caesar himself can track a raven through a cloudy midnight sky. He can find you."

"You think your dearest love can save you?" The man asked, leaning against a bolder.

"I never called him 'my love,'" Dido exclaimed, "But I've no doubt he can save me."

"You admit you do not love your fiancée?" The man in black asked as he walked towards Dido.

"Half the kingdom knows that," Dido scoffed, "I don't even like him. _They_ don't even like him"

"So you are incapable of love?" The man questioned.

Dido rose to her feet furiously, "I have loved more deeply than a murderer like you could ever hope to dream!"

The man raised his hand for a moment, but hesitated and lowered it slowly.

"That was a warning. Where I come from there are penalties for lies, and royalty or not, you will pay the price."

He took her again by the arm and led her onwards.

* * *

"Sugar… and maybe a little salt," Augustus Caesar decreed, after he examined the contents of the vial used in the battle of wits, "And those are the princess's footprints. She is still alive!"

"What should we do with the old man?" Attila asked as he held a blackened longsword at Gandhi, who held his hands up in defeat.

"Send him back to the ship in chains. He will be interrogated and dealt with on our soil." Augustus said, walking back to his horse.

"The princess was taken by a man in black, your highness!" Gandhi exclaimed, attempting to save face as he was bound and taken away by one of Caesar's horsemen, "It may be him… the Dread Pirate Genghis Khan!"

This last comment drew Attila's attention, but he remained silent.

"If my fiancée is dead when I find her… my jimmies will be quite rustled." Augustus commented as he leapt back onto his horse.

* * *

"My God, did you really just say that?" Harald asked Augustus Caesar, who had slapped his hand to his face.

"Wine… and leave the jug…" Augustus groaned to an aide, who brought the wine and a glass to the Roman emperor, who elected to instead drink from the bottle.

* * *

"Rest, highness." The man in black ordered again as Dido sat down on a fallen tree.

"I know who you are… your cruelty reveals everything!" Dido spat at the masked man, "You're the Dread Pirate Genghis Khan! Admit it!"

"With pride!" The man answered proudly with a mocking bow, "What may I do for you?"

"You may die a slow and agonizing death!" Dido responded sharply.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Hardly complimentary, your highness!" Genghis teased, "What have I ever done to deserve this from you?"

"You killed my love." Dido responded venomously.

"It's entirely possible… I kill a lot of people! Was it on a Tuesday, by any chance?" Genghis continued to taunt, "Who was he, another Prince? Ugly, but rich, but with a better personality than your current fiancée?"

"No. He was a poor farm boy, trying to earn the money for our marriage. He was…" Dido struggled to continue speaking before sharply turning back to the pirate, "He set across the sea, and you attacked his ship. And the Dread Pirate Genghis never leaves prisoners."

"Well, I cannot make exceptions!" Genghis said smugly, "Once the word leaks that I've grown soft, well… it makes business much harder!"

"You mock my pain!"

"Life is pain, your highness! Anyone who suggests otherwise is a liar, politician, or salesman, even if the latter two build their careers on being the first."

Genghis stood up, putting a hand to his chin in thought, "You know… now that you mention it, I might remember this farm boy of yours. Must've been what, five years ago?" Genghis continued to circle around, "Does this bother you to hear?"

"What more can you say that will upset me?" Dido asked sourly.

"Well he did die well, so that might be worth something," Genghis started, "Better than most actually, no attempts at bribery or blubbering or begging… a mighty duel and when it was over he simply said 'please'. Now that caught my attention, so I asked him why. He said it was true love, a woman of unsurpassable beauty, raven hair, shining purity and faithfulness. I assume he was referring to you."

Genghis circled around behind her as he continued, "You should thank me that I destroyed him before he discovered what you_ really_ are."

"And _what_ am I?" Dido asked as she stood to face the masked pirate.

"He spoke of faithfulness, unyielding faithfulness! Tell me this: when you found he had been killed, did you engage the Prince that hour or wait a week out of respect for the dead?" Genghis questioned sharply.

"You mocked me one time, and you'll not mock me again! I _died_ that day!" Dido hissed in anger.

The distant sound of approaching footmen drew Genghis Khan's attention. Looking into the distance, one could make out the approach of Augustus Caesar and his hunting party.

"And you will die _this_ day!" Dido used the distraction to shove the pirate down the hill.

"As… you- ouch! Wish!" The man said as he rolled down the hill.

"Alexander?" Dido asked herself in horror before she threw herself after him.

* * *

"I knew it!" Maria announced, "I knew there was something about that masked man!"

"Well at least we keep the original pairing!" Dido muttered, one again closing the distance between her chair and Alexander's.

* * *

"They've disappeared," Caesar commented as he looked around, "He must have seen our approach and panicked! Unless I'm wrong… and I'm never wrong, they're headed for the fire swamp."

"What about the time-" Attila started to speak.

"That _never_ happened, we do _not_ speak of it." Augustus was quick to silence his right hand man.

"Milord, it's alright. _None of us_ expected those men and women to be dressed as animals in the middle of the woods." Attila reassured Caesar.

"I said, _we do not speak of that_." Augustus said loudly as the hunting party moved onward.

* * *

Alexander groaned as he rolled over towards Dido. His mask had come undone during the fall, but he no longer needed it.

"Are you injured? Can you move?" He asked his love.

Alexander received his answer when Dido's fist connected with his face.

"YOU _BASTARD_! YOU _LIED_ TO ME!" Dido shouted in anger as she struck Alexander with hard strikes.

"I had to see if you still loved me!" Alexander attempted to defend his actions and his face.

"You were going to strike me!"

"You're striking me now!"

After Dido calmed down, she stood up and brushed the dirt from her dress.

"I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?" Alexander asked, struggling to his feet.

"Aside from not having a choice, you were dead." Dido admitted.

"Death can't stop true love. Maybe delay it, but not stop it."

Alexander leaned in and-

* * *

"Wash, come on!" Alexander complained from his seat, prompting Washington to look over again.

"I'm sensing a pattern, Alexander…" Boudicca said slyly as she took her feet from the table to better lean towards the Greek king, "You only feel a need to interrupt during the kissing scenes. What, are you embarrassed?"

Boudicca's questioning earned some laughter and giggles from around the table, reddening Alexander's face as he stammered in an attempt to find an excuse.

Washington reached under the table for his flask of whiskey, taking a small gulp.

"Can we just skip ahead to the fire swamp? The fire swamp sounded interesting." Alexander finally managed to get out.


	9. Chapter Eight: The Fire Swamp

**A/N: **It appears I have a new reviewer! Greetings to Imperator Justinian! To answer some of your questions… I'm terrible at writing romance, I overlooked Maria and Enrico's bitterness (my bad), I hadn't thought of Nebuchadnezzar, everyone's gonna be a little closer and friendlier by the end of this experience, and most of their personality traits are based on my in-game experiences and comedic exaggeration.

Xerion brought up that I had neglected to include leaders such as Bismarck and Elizabeth, so I figure that now it's out in the open I may as well address it. _(un)Civilized_ was always meant to be a series of stories, not all parodies of movies. _Trouble In Congress_, the first fully original story is currently trapped in writer's block, and I'm planning on writing a parody of _Clue_. I'll be sure to include Bismarck as Colonel Mustard.

Now that that's out of the way, THE FIRE SWAMP!

* * *

**Chapter Eight: The Fire Swamp**

* * *

Alexander and Dido raced across the ravine as Caesar and his hunting party searched for a way down.

"Your pig fiancée is too late. We're but a few steps from the fire swamp!" Alexander announced, leading his love by the hand.

"But no one has survived the fire swamp!" Dido interjected.

"Yet!" Alexander corrected.

The fire swamp was a vast desolate place, filled with tall trees covered with fungi, hanging vines, large roots that crawled across the earth. The sounds of various wildlife could be heard, ranging from the ordinary frog and bird to sounds that would make your skin crawl and hair stand on end.

"…It's not that bad." Alexander commented as they stood in a relatively clear area, "I mean I'm not saying we build a summer home here, but the trees are quite lovely."

Dido had given him a very strange look.

The pair pressed onwards, through and around the trees and roots. Suddenly there was a burst of flame from a geyser in the ground, nearly catching Dido's robe on fire.

"Well, this is quite an adventure," She commented, after calming down, "Remind me not to have any more if at all possible."

Just as she finished speaking, there was a shuffling sound and another burst of fire from the ground. Alexander's pants were nearly set alight as he jumped out of the way.

"I'll give it this," Alexander chuckled, "The fire swamp does force one to be on their toes."

"So how did you become the Dread Pirate Genghis Khan?" Dido asked as Alexander cut away at the vines hanging in their way, "He's been operating for twenty years and you've only been gone for five."

"Life has a large cache of quirks," Alexander said as he helped Dido around another geyser before it burst forth into flames, "See what I had said about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued Genghis, as did my description of your beauty. So he decided that I'd serve as his valet, unless he decided to kill me."

"He said that for three years, you know…" Alexander continued as he cut down the last vine, "Good night Alexander, good work today, shame I might kill you in the morning."

Alexander took his love by the hand and helped her navigate the uneven terrain.

"Soon enough Genghis and I became friends… and then it happened."

"What? What happened?" Dido asked excitedly, enraptured by the story.

* * *

Alexander stood in the cabin of _The Karakorum_, hands behind his back as the Genghis Khan anxiously paced back and forth.

"You wanted to see me, captain?" Alexander asked.

"I am about to tell you a secret. This secret you must keep closely guarded, and bring it with you to your gravestone." Khan said with a grim look on his face as he staked his cabin. Taking a deep breath, he continued.

"I am not the dread pirate Genghis Khan."

"_What_?!" Alexander shouted.

"My name is Ogedei, I inherited this ship from my father Temujin seven years ago. Temujin was the original Genghis Khan, and at one time a powerful warlord." Ogedei explained.

"When Rome began to seize control of the countryside and subjugate the barbarian tribes, Genghis Khan took to the sea, using his fearsome reputation to rob the merchant ships and feed his wealth. Eventually, he had amassed such a large fortune that he decided to retire. He took me into his cabin and passed the title over to me. When we came back to shore, I was introduced as Genghis Khan. My father stayed long enough for the crew to believe me."

"You see it's the name that is important. The reputation is set, and none know the true face of Genghis Khan. It is easier to pass the torch than to light a new one. And now it is time I joined my father in retirement. I have earned my fortune." Ogedei finished his story.

"So I'm to be the next Genghis Khan?" Alexander asked.

"Until you find someone suitable to succeed you."

* * *

"So we went to shore and picked up an entirely new crew. Ogedei stayed aboard awhile as the first mate, calling me Genghis. Once the crew was convinced, he left to rejoin his father, and I've been Genghis Khan ever since then."

Alexander took Dido's hands in his own, "And now that we're together again, I will pass the title on to someone else. Sound like a plan?"

Dido smiled and nodded. Alexander took a step forward, only to sink into the earth, swallowed up by a patch of quicksand. Dido screamed in horror and despair.

"No, not so soon, this will not be happening!" She growled at the earth. Taking up Alexander's fallen sword, Dido cut one of the vines, held the longer end, and dove into the sand.

It was a little less than a minute before the pair resurfaced, coughing and sputtering and covered in sand.

"Well… my rep… reputation… certainly has… taken a… hit." Alexander coughed and laughed.

There was a groaning, creaking noise, prompting the couple to sit up and look around, scanning the environment. Alexander gripped his sword and passed his beloved a dagger.

"Is the entire world trying to kill us?" Dido lamented.

"Ah, but we've already won!" Alexander boasted, "What are the three dangers of the fire swamp? Popping noises precede the fire. I heroically discovered the quicksand, so we can easily avoid them now…"

"What about the Rodents of Unusual Size?" Dido asked.

"I don't think they exist."

Karma or fate (whichever one) decided it was sick of Alexander's ego, as a boar-sized rat charged the Greek, and knocked him to the ground. Two more approached, forcing Dido to engage them with her dagger.

As Alexander struggled with his rodent, Dido killed one rat by sidestepping it as it tried to charge her, only to land in a quicksand pit. The second seemed to know it would happen, as it attacked from the side. Dido was knocked down, but stabbed the beast in the neck as it attempted to bite her.

"AHHHH!" Alexander shouted in pain as his rodent bit down on his arm and then his shoulder. He had been unable to reach his sword with the beast on top of him. Alexander used his legs to force the rodent away, and drew his sword. As the beast attempted to jump at him again, Alexander impaled it.

"Well… we make a good team." Alexander remarked.

"I know!" Dido said excitedly before calming down, "…I know."

* * *

Laughter at Alexander's expense echoed around the table.

"So Alex, what's it like when your woman is more heroic than you?" Attila called over, earning him a smack in the head from an offended Boudicca.

"Need I remind you I kicked your ass on the battlefield?" The Celtic queen taunted.

"Settle down, this instant!" Maria scolded.

"Yes, please, I wasn't trying to tell the story at all." Washington muttered.

* * *

Dido and Alexander walked out of the fire swamp, having (more or less) survived the horrors within. The couple smiled and was about to share a kiss when there were interrupted by the sound of horses drawing closer. Sure enough, Caesar and his hunting party arrived.

"Surrender." Augustus commanded.

"You wish to surrender to me?" Alexander asked, mockingly, "Very well, I accept!"

"I commend your bravery, but don't turn a fool now." Caesar deadpanned.

"And how will you capture us?" Alexander questioned, "We know the secrets of the fire swamp, so whenever you feel like dying you may visit. I don't know about you and your men, but we can last quite a while in there."

As Alexander continued to taunt Augustus, Dido noticed that some of his hunters were missing. She then found them, taking up positions around Alexander with their crossbows.

"That was merely a kind request. Surrender!"

"I don't think so."

"Strike one!"

"Not on my life."

"Strike two!"

"Not going to happen."

"Don't make me get to three!"

"Or what?"

Augustus visibly paused.

"…Surrender!" The Roman shouted harshly

"Death first!"

Dido could not take any more. There were four crossbowmen behind them, aimed at Alexander's back and merely waiting for the order to strike.

"Do you promise to spare him?" She shouted to Augustus, attracting everyone's attention.

"What?" Alexander asked.

"What?" Augustus asked.

"What?" Attila asked, earning a brief glance from Augustus, "…Rule of three, milord."

"If we surrender, and I return to Rome with you, do you promise that you will not harm him?" Dido asked.

"I swear by Jupiter that I will not harm a single hair on his head." Caesar said, crossing an arm over his chest.

"And you shall return him to his ship? The pirate ship, _The Karakorum_?" Dido asked.

In the background, a strange look of remembrance crossed Attila's face. Caesar nodded, and gestured for his men to take Alexander.

"When we've returned to Rome, take him down to the pit of despair." Caesar whispered to Attila.

"It will be done."

Dido and Alexander shared a longing look as the guards approached.

"You died once, and I could not bear it then. I will not bear it a second time, not while I can do something about it." Dido explained before Augustus picked her up, placed her in front of him on his horse and went on his way.

"Come then sir… let us return to your ship." Attila said as the guards moved Alexander forward.

"We're men of action, you and I. Lying is unbecoming of you." Alexander replied as he examined the man on horseback.

"Well spoken." Attila commented, not paying attention to what Alexander had said.

As the guards bound Alexander's hands behind his back, he looked more intensely at Attila's face.

"What?" The Hunnic count questioned.

"I was studying that scar over your eye. I believe someone may have been looking for you-" Alexander started to say before Attila struck him on the head with the hilt of his sword.


	10. Chapter Nine: Two Methods of Torture

**A/N:** I had planned on posting this later in the week, but while on TV Tropes, I noticed that someone added _The Consul Bride_ to the fanfic recommendations for the Civilization series! Now I wonder if (un)Civilized will get a trope page…?

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Two Methods of Torture**

* * *

Alexander awoke to a shadowy figure, padding at his injuries with a cloth. Looking around, he came to the conclusion that he was in a torture chamber, a dungeon, or a really kinky dream. The last of the three options was the least likely.

"Where am I?" Alexander asked, hoping that it was some kind of dream.

"The pit of despair-" A gravely voice answered before bursting into a coughing fit.

"Ahem. You're in the pit of despair," The voice said again in a soft, sinister voice, "Don't even think of escape, the chains are fit to hold giants. And don't even think of rescue either. This place is only known by the Prince, the Count, and I."

Alexander squinted as his vision focused on who was speaking.

"_Gandhi_?"

"It may have turned out better for you if you had killed me," Gandhi said with a small evil chuckle, "They would've had to have found someone else to operate the pit."

"So you're going to keep me here until you kill me?" Alexander asked.

"Whenever they tell me I can. That doesn't mean I can't try to have some smaller counts of revenge until then. But it's policy that everyone is made healthy before torture. That way we can keep more accurate accounts." Gandhi explained as he continued to tend to the wounds Alexander sustained in his fight with the giant rats.

"Torture? No problem." Alexander boasted, despite his poor position.

"Brag all you may," Gandhi said in a sinister voice, "And you may have earned the right after surviving the fire swamp, but no one has bested the machine!"

Gandhi continued his work, grinning to himself about the prospect of gaining a long and bloody revenge against the only man to best him mentally.

* * *

Dido walked through the castle halls, visibly depressed. She passed by one corridor, so enraptured in her thoughts that she failed to notice that Augustus Caesar and Attila had been watching.

"She's been like that since the fire swamp," Augustus said, "It must be the failing health of my father."

"Of course." Attila agreed, though not entirely convinced.

King Enrico Dandolo died that very night. Dido and Augustus were hastily married, and at noon she addressed her subjects again, but as their queen.

"My father's final words were-"

* * *

"No!" Dido screamed, interrupting Washington mid-sentence, "That is not right! I'm marrying Alexander, not Augustus!"

Dido stopped her tirade for a moment to glance over at Augustus, "No offence."

"None taken."

"…And I mean in the book…" She added for Alexander's sake, who merely nodded with a look of surprise on his face.

"Look, do you want to finish the book or not?" Washington asked, interrupting her before she could continue.

"…Yes." Dido said, sullenly.

"Then everyone _please_ stop interrupting. We'll be here for hours if these interruptions continue."

* * *

"My father's final words were: love her as I loved her, and there will be joy. I present to you your new queen… Queen Dido!" Augustus announced to the crowd.

Fanfare once again hailed the approach of the new queen, clad in a beautiful white dress. Once again, the crowd bowed in respect for their new queen and fear for Caesar's legionnaires.

However, someone dared to heckle the queen. One man stood out from the bowing masses as he booed the Dido viciously.

"Why do you boo me?" Dido asked.

"Because you had LOVE in your hands, and you gave it up, threw it away!" The man, dressed in a cloak of colorful feathers shouted at her.

"But had I not, Alexander would have been killed!" Dido attempted to defend her reasoning.

"Your true love LIVES and you marry ANOTHER?" The man turned and addressed the crowd of cowering citizens,

"Her true love, who had RESCUED her from kidnappers, DEFENDED her in the FIRE SWAMP! And she throws him away like GARBAGE!" The man in the feather coat was almost foaming at the mouth as he ranted and raved.

"THAT is what you are! The QUEEN of GARBAGE!" He pointed at her with an accusing finger, "So BOW to her Romans! BOW to the queen of REFUSE! BOW to the queen of SLIME, the queen of FILTH!"

The feathered man continued to boo and jeer Dido as he walked closer. When the wild-eyed man was almost face to face with her, she gasped for air as she broke from her dream.

* * *

It was ten days from the wedding. King Enrico still lived. However, Dido's nightmares were growing steadily worse as time went on.

* * *

"See! I told you!" Dido shouted while pointing at the others seated at the table.

"You're very smart, now shut up." Augustus responded.

* * *

Emboldened by her most recent nightmare, Dido hastily dressed herself and stormed to Augustus's study, where he sat reading a collection of stories by Aesop.

"It comes to-"

"Hold." Caesar was uninterested as he raised a hand to stop his fiancée mid-sentence. After turning the page, and making her wait in an uncomfortable silence until he closed the book and looked up.

Dido did her best to hide her disgust and anger.

"It comes to this. I loved Alexander, and I haven't truly loved anyone since… not that you were unaware. But I had thought him dead. If we marry in ten days, I too will be dead without him."

Augustus sat in silence with an unreadable expression. Finally, after a full minute of awkward noiselessness, he spoke.

"I had hoped that the chance of power and wealth would sway you, but it appears that I was in error."

Augustus put his hand to his chin, once again deep in thought. It was a much shorter amount of time before he stood and broke it.

"Count Attila, was Alexander returned to his ship?"

"Yes, my prince."

"I see. My woman, are you certain that he would still accept your feelings after the manner in which you parted? Not even to mention the piracy…"

"Alexander will always come for me." Dido responded sternly.

Augustus paced the room, continuing to think.

"If that is the case… I suggest we alter the wedding arrangements," Caesar mused aloud, "Write your beloved a letter and create three additional, identical copies. I shall pass the four letters to my four fastest ships. I'll send each ship in each compass direction in search of his ship."

"Genghis Khan _is_ known to plunder Rome and Venice this time of year…" Attila interjected from him position in the back of the room.

"If Alexander receives your letter and can return before our wedding… you may go with my blessing. If he cannot, then please consider a life of regal splendor as an alternative for suicide." Augustus said, offering his terms.

"The terms are fair…_ if_ you can uphold them." Dido responded before turning and walking out the door.

* * *

"Your… 'Princess' is quite the prize." Attila commented to Caesar as the two walked in the woods.

"The people are quite taken with her. At least _something_ can hold their attention." Caesar replied.

"But it's odd… when I hired Gandhi to have her kidnapped on our engagement day, only to be found murdered on American soil… I hadn't thought of the possibility that an assassination on the wedding night may have a larger impact." Augustus mused to his confidant aloud.

"The people will cry for American blood," Attila confirmed, "The death of their beloved- where is that damn switch?"

Attila poked and prodded at a nearby tree until a doorway opened.

"Ah, there we go. Are you coming down to the pit? I hear Alexander has recovered, and Gandhi is anxious to put him through the machine."

"Attila, my friend, I_ love_ watching you work… but I must plan my empire's 500th anniversary, my wedding to rearrange, my wife to murder, and America to frame for it. My schedule is packed as it is."

"Then get some rest," Attila ordered, "If you don't have your health, you have nothing."

"Oh, that reminds me to put an extra drop of mercury in my father's drink tonight!" Augustus exclaimed. Attila smiled and bowed slightly before retreating into the tree.

* * *

"I must say I'm offended that I'm the villain here." Augustus commented.

"WHY NOT?" Montezuma shouted, "It makes PERFECT sense!"

"What- how?" Augustus asked, almost immediately regretting the question after he had spoken.

"Because YOU are the PRINCE!" Montezuma ranted, "PRINCES have WEALTH. MONEY is the ROOT of EVIL! FURTHERMORE, those who have MONEY, also have a great deal of POWER! POWER is equal to CAMEL! CAMEL is equal to five stalks of CELERY. FIVE! QUID PRO QUO, CAESAR!"

"…He lost me at 'camel'." Alexander commented.

"Actually, I understood a little more of that…" Pacal mentioned, "I think it has something to do with the trade caravans of old."

"We'll interpret this insanity later!" Harald ordered, "Keep reading, Washington!"

* * *

Alexander was tied onto a board with all manner of straps and wires over his torso and head. Gandhi rolled the gurney over to the eponymous machine and began to connect wires from the machine to Alexander.

"I find it somewhat amusing," Attila mused aloud so Alexander could hear, "When Temujin and I first started to develop this device, I never considered the possibility that his successor would be at its mercy. I consider myself a pioneer of pain, an innovator of injury… in fact I've made several advances in the human sciences purely from understanding human suffering. I will need your honesty when you describe the kind of pain that you are about to endure."

"Besides…" Attila laughed evilly, "Lying is unbecoming of you."

Attila walked over to a bar with a set of numbers marking each level of pain the victim would receive.

"This _is_ your first time on the machine… so I'll be gentle and use the lowest setting."

Attila raised the bar to the first notch. As the dastardly machine did its work, Alexander began to writhe in agony, barely able to suppress a scream. Attila and Gandhi watched with glee, each for his own reason. After a time, Attila lowered the bar back to zero.

"As you may know, the concept of the suction pump is quite old," Attila explained, "That is the concept of the machine… except the purpose is not to suck water, it is to drain life. I've just taken one year of your life. I might even go as high as five, for science of course, but I'm not sure if that would outright kill you… and we wouldn't want that… _yet_."

"So, let's just start with what we have," Attila continued as he gathered his notes, "Where are you feeling pain right now? And this is for science's sake, so be honest. How do you feel?"

Alexander let out a shaky whimper.

"Interesting… I see…" Attila said, scribbling notes furiously, "Now, do you often sing or whistle just for fun? Do you feel sometimes that age is against you?"

* * *

"Okay, I call bull on that!" Alexander interrupted, "I could handle some medieval Hunnic torture device!"

"You want to test that theory?" Attila challenged, standing up.

"Gentlemen! Sit down!" Maria once again forced to play the scolding mother.


	11. Chapter Ten: Sounds of Suffering

**A/N:** Well, it appears that I have two new followers! A special welcome to Karehai and thedoctorspersonalblogger! As a side note, Imperator Justinian pointed out that Montezuma and Pacal have yet to be featured as story characters. To that I say…

Just wait and see… *evil laughter*

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Sounds of Suffering**

* * *

Caesar sat at his desk looking intensely at several maps. Legate Hamilicar Barca, the general assigned to the defense of Rome, walked quickly to the threshold of Caesar's study and coughed into his hand.

"You summoned me, your majesty?" He asked, standing at attention.

Augustus put his maps down for a minute, and motioned for him to kneel at his chair.

"As a Legate of my legions, I trust you with this vital secret," Augustus started grimly, "My spies have discovered that American soldiers are amassing in the Thieves' Forest with the intent of assassinating my bride on our wedding night."

"I'm afraid that I have not previously heard such news." Hamilicar said bowing his head in disgrace.

"Any news from Alexander?"

Dido's sudden appearance drew the attention of both Augustus and his general, who both stood at attention.

"My woman, it's barely been a day since my ships left the harbor! They may be fast, but they are not _that _fast. Please be patient with them." Augustus said, trying to appear reassuring.

"He _will_ come for me." Dido responded assuredly, with her head high. She had to resist the urge to bite back at the prince for his condescension.

"As you say." Caesar replied tentatively.

Dido wore an accomplished smirk on her face as she walked away. As soon as she was gone, Caesar was back in his seat and Hamilicar was on his knees-

* * *

"That's what she said!" Harald shouted, earning bursts of laughter and groans of annoyance alike.

* * *

"She will _not_ be murdered. On the day of the wedding, the Thieves' Forest must be emptied and every individual inside is to be arrested." Caesar said sternly to his Legate.

"I'm afraid that with the bulk of our military at war with Austria and repressing dissidents and revolutionaries…" Hamilicar attempted to explain.

"Form a brute squad! Hire mercenaries! Recruit Huns and Mongols in exchange for more freedoms! Do whatever you must to have that forest deserted before the wedding!" Augustus cut in harshly.

"It will be done, but it will not be a simple task." Hamilicar said, crossing an arm over his chest.

"Try ruling the world sometime." Caesar deadpanned with a hint of sarcasm.

* * *

The day of the wedding arrived. Augustus Caesar's brute squad had their hands full as they carried out his orders.

Legate Hamilicar sat atop a prison wagon as it moved toward the docks. The prisoners were to be taken to the distant prison island of Glasgow, a former Celtic stronghold. Hamilicar's lieutenant marched alongside as he gave his report.

"The forest is nearly empty. But a drunken samurai is giving us some trouble."

"Well give _him_ some trouble. Our orders were to clear out the forest, we were not told that we had to take everyone _alive_." Hamilicar said as the wagon rolled on.

* * *

"Twenty years!" Oda shouted drunkenly, "I spent twenty years learn-learning to be the _very best_ sw-swa-swordsman… like no one _ever was_! To find the warlord was my quest, to kill him was my clause-cause! I have brought shame on my family with my failure! Dishonor! Dishonor on me! Dishonor on my family! Dishonor on all of Japan! Dishonor on your moose!"

The moose in question raised its head from the grass it was eating and trotted away, and into the forest.

"You there! Get up and get moving!" The lieutenant barked as he walked over with his hand of the hilt of his sword.

"Not until I regain my honor!" Oda shouted back, drunkenly handling his katana.

"Well you won't find it here," The lieutenant said sarcastically, "Go find it somewhere else, the Prince has ordered everyone leave!"

Oda drunkenly swung his katana at the soldier as he approached. "I don't care if the Prince, the King, the Emperor, or whoever says anything! I'm not going anywhere… not until I find the man in black or that scarred warlord…"

"You, brute, get over here!" The lieutenant ordered to a passing thug.

"I've got to find Gandhi or Harald… they'll help me get that warlord, I think…" Oda slurred as he rolled his head around.

"Ha! Oda, you still can't hold your drink!" The brute said as he walked over and pulled the intoxicated samurai to his feet.

"Harald?" Oda questioned hazily.

"Damn right!" Harald affirmed. The lieutenant moved to attack Oda, but Harald casually punched the soldier in the nose, knocking him unconscious.

"Come on, you need to sober up." Harald ordered as he hauled Oda away.

* * *

Harald took Oda to _Loki's Throne_, a tavern that sat on the outskirts of the Thieves' Forest. Vikings would often visit due to its close proximity to the coastline, and so the name was changed to something more fitting of their primary demographic. Besides, not many people had visited _Attila The Hungry_-

* * *

"WHAT?" Attila roared as he stood up abruptly, nearly flipping the table, "_WHO_ WROTE THIS?"

"It doesn't say who the author is!" Washington answered quickly.

"They better pray to their GODS I never find them! I'll have you know _Attila The Hungry_ is a fine establishment, and quite beloved in the Hunnic Empire! This mockery will not stand!"

"Attila, calm down, it's just a book!" Washington attempted to pacify the angered warlord.

"Yeah, besides, we all know how good the food there is!" Genghis added, "Remember the last time you hosted congress, we all had food delivered from there?"

"THAT'S where those ribs were from?" Harald asked in surprise, "Attila, we need to talk about opening a few restaurants in Denmark! Those were the best damn ribs I've ever had!"

"That's great and all, but we're here to hear Washington read the book." Enrico interrupted.

"Very well, continue Washington. We'll discuss franchising later, Harald." Attila said, having finally calmed down.

* * *

"How's the headache?" Harald asked Oda in between bites of lamb leg.

"Almost non-existent. This stew is fantastic." The samurai commented.

"As it should be! You've got the hangover special stew there. A lot of Vikings get a little too hammered, and so the staff cooked something up to clear away the cobwebs." Harald explained, using the lamb leg as some kind of pointing stick as he gestured to the staff and stew.

"So, what happened after I lost my duel with that man in black?" Oda asked as he finished off the last of the stew.

"Well, he and I had a brawl… but he got behind me with a sleeper, and didn't let go. When I woke up, I stumbled off into the woods just as Prince Caesar was coming by. Oda, you're not gonna believe who he had with him."

"Who?" Oda asked leaning in a little closer.

"He had this guy on a horse with him, big black beard. And he had a scar over his eye, like this." Harald said, tracing the shape of the scar across his face.

"Caesar had the warlord at his beck and call this whole time! They must both pay in blood!" Oda demanded, slamming his fist into the table.

"There's more!" Harald said, "I followed them, you see. They picked up Gandhi and took him away. The man in black took the princess into the fire swamp and came out the other side! They survived in there, but Caesar took the princess and the warlord took the man in black."

"Well, that's it then!" Oda said, having an epiphany, "The man in black must have some ill will towards Caesar and the warlord. If we find him, we can get him to join us in going after them… tonight!"

"Whoa, hold on… the royal wedding is tonight. There's going to be a lot of guards. We need more of a plan than 'three men rush the gates'." Harald attempted to caution.

"Then we will find the man in black and make plans! He had the skill to best me, the strength to best you, and the smarts to best Gandhi. He can plan this attack! After twenty years, my honor will be restored and my father's soul at peace. There will be blood tonight!" Oda announced as he left the table.

Harald tossed a small bag of coins on the table and followed his Japanese friend out the door.

* * *

Once again, Caesar Augustus sat in his study. He carefully slid the edge of his personal dagger across a whetstone, focusing on the almost soothing sound it made. From the corner of his eye, he saw something move. Looking up, Legate Hamilicar entered and dropped to a knee in front of his desk.

"Rise and report."

Hamilicar rose and stood at attention.

"Milord, the Thieves' Forest has been empty and thirty men stand at the castle gate."

"Double it. My bride must be safe." Augustus ordered as he wiped his dagger with a cloth.

"There is but one key to the castle gate," Hamilicar said, pulling a silver key with a red seal from under his armor, "And it hangs around my neck."

Augustus smiled slightly and nodded to his trusty general. Putting his dagger on the desk, Caesar rose with raised arms to greet his fiancée as she entered the study.

"Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow, Legate Hamilicar will escort us to the harbor where we will be joined by the entire Roman armada for our honeymoon." The Roman prince declared as he walked to Dido.

"Every ship apart from the four fastest," Dido corrected, staring intently at Caesar's fading smile.

"…Yes, yes of course! They are due back tonight, as it were!" Augustus sounded very unconvincing as he tried to keep a straight face.

There was an awkward silence, during which Hamilicar coughed into his hand and walked quickly from the study.

"You never sent the ships," Dido confirmed her suspicions from reading Caesar's reaction, "But it matters not. Alexander will still come for me."

"I offer you so much and you continue to throw it away. You're truly a fool." Augustus sighed as he returned to his desk.

"Yes, I was a fool!" Dido responded sharply, storming up to the front of Augustus's desk, "I was foolish to believe you were anything but a lying coward!"

There was a clicking noise as Caesar's dagger slid into it's sheath, a very cold and emotionless look on the Roman's face.

"I would not say such things if I were you." Caesar's voice was unnaturally calm and even.

"Why not? You can't hope to hurt me, at least not by yourself," Dido's old sneer returning, "Alexander and I are bound by a love that you could never possibly achieve. You could never find it with a thousand hounds. And you cannot break it with spears, hammers, or swords. And when I call you a coward, I do so because you are the most repulsive, deceitful, and wicked person to ever taint the earth!"

With a loud bang, Caesar's dagger was back out of its sheath and buried in his desk. The prince's calm façade was rapidly fading as he roughly grabbed Dido by the arm and pulled her back towards her room.

"I wouldn't say such things if I were you!" He said again, only this time his voice was almost a feral growl. Reaching the princess's chambers, Caesar all but threw her inside and slammed the door behind her, locking it shut.

* * *

Attila sifted through papers as Gandhi finished writing the notes taken from the last session. Both were thoroughly surprised when Augustus stormed down the steps, stopping to stand over Alexander.

"And so the two of you truly love each other?" He asked, "You might have been happy together, but this is not a storybook. A love like yours has not been recorded in centuries… and so no man in centuries will suffer as much as you will now."

"Didn't you promise _you_ wouldn't hurt him?" Attila asked, standing from his chair, "You said nothing of Gandhi and I, but-"

"I said _I_ would not harm a single hair on his head," Augustus said, grabbing a lone strand of Alexander's hair and pulling it out.

"_This_ is the one I won't harm!" He shouted. Before anyone could react, Caesar grabbed the bar and raised it to the highest setting.

"No! Not to fifty! We haven't tested-" Attila attempted to protest but was drowned out by Alexander's screaming.

* * *

The scream was heard for miles, and could only be likened to a call of the damned. People rushed into churches to feverishly pray. Children cried and covered their ears. The Roman Legion shook in its boots. Dido looked up from her sorrows, trying to place the familiarity of the noise that echoed in her own heart.

But not too far from the source of the scream, a samurai and a Viking stopped in their tracks.

"Harald, can you hear that?" Oda asked, putting an arm out to stop the Viking, "That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound from the death of my father and loss of my honor. The man in black makes that sound now."

"You sure it's him?" Harald asked.

"If his true love marries another tonight, who else has cause for ultimate suffering?" Oda reasoned as he tried to push through the crowd.

"I'll handle this. EVERYBODY MOVE NOW!" Harald shouted, and the crowd instantly parted like the Red Sea.

* * *

Gandhi's head poked outside the doorway that lead down to the pit of despair. Ensuring the coast was clear, he stepped into the world and sealed the door behind him. Augustus and Attila had left the pit, and Gandhi had been left behind to clean up after them. The elderly Indian made his way in the direction of the castle, pushing a wheelbarrow.

"Going somewhere, Gandi?" Harald asked as he and Oda stepped into the pathway.

"Gentlemen!" Gandhi said in obviously feigned excitement, "How great it is to see the two of you again, and in such good health!"

"You _knew_." Oda growled.

"I knew what?" Gandhi asked, genuinely confused.

"You _knew _who the warlord was! The prince hired us, did he not? The warlord I had spent the last twenty years hunting-" Oda advanced on Gandhi, drawing a katana.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Gandhi backed away with his hands raised in surrender, "Okay, yes, I was vaguely familiar with the man!"

"What's his name?" Oda asked, aiming the sword at Gandhi's throat.

"Attila! Attila The Hun! He and Genghis Khan were partners long before Rome started civilizing the barbarians. Attila joined up for power, and Genghis took to piracy!" Gandhi spoke very quickly.

"Where's the man in black?" Oda asked next.

"Who?" Gandhi asked.

"Harald, refresh his memory." Oda ordered the Viking, who smacked Gandhi in the head. Gandhi teetered for a moment, and fell over.

"I must've checked a _little_ too hard." Harald said apologetically. Looking around, Harald saw Oda on one knee a beam of sunlight shining down upon him.

"Uhhh… Oda?"

Oda raised his sword to the heavens.

"My Father, we have been in dishonor for twenty years. But I may be able to make things right. Somewhere nearby is a man who can help us achieve vengeance, retribution. I need your spirit to guide me to him. Guide our sword, please. Guide our sword."

After his speech, Oda closed his eyes and stood up. Holding his sword in front of himself, Oda blindly walked around, as if guided by a supernatural force. Harald watched in awe as Oda slowly made his way over to a large tree and lightly stabbed into it. Oda opened his eyes and bowed his head in disappointment, leaning forward against the tree. There was a sound and moments later, a door opened leading down into the earth.

"Huh. Well, what do you know?" Harald commented as the two descended the stairs.

Oda and Harald didn't have to look hard to find the body of Alexander, their man in black. Oda grabbed his wrist to check for a pulse while Harald listened for a heartbeat.

"He's dead." The two men came to the same conclusion simultaneously.

* * *

"WHAT?" Dido all but screamed, drawing everyone's attention again, "What do you mean he's dead?"

"He probably means that he's dead." Augustus deadpanned.

"NO! That's not right!" Dido shouted, on the edge of tears, "Alexander's supposed to ride in and save me from marrying the evil prince! It's not fair!"

"Whoever said life was fair?" Pacal asked. Dido immediately burst into tears, and half the table glared over at the Mayan.

"…I think everyone's a little _too_ invested in the story, I'll finish it next time." Washington said softly as he prepared to close the book.

"No." Came the immediate and harsh response from Caesar of all people.

"Pardon?" Maria asked, intrigued.

"Dido started this story against my will. If she wills that it end, I wish it to be seen through. Besides, it is a bad habit to leave your work unfinished." Augustus said, leaning back in his seat.

Washington coughed into his hand.

"In that case… I suppose we shall resume."

"Don't worry Dido," Boudicca once again to calm Dido down, "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end."


	12. Chapter Eleven: Mayan Miracles

**A/N:** Well, everyone… I did it. Last night I finished writing the end of this story. I'll be staggering posts over the next few days, editing in needed changes or trying to add to my word count. As it stands, _The Consul Bride_ has surpassed 20,000 words when finished… more than I ever thought I could accomplish. Thank you all very much for reading so far, now let's see where the story takes us, shall we?

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Mayan Miracles **

* * *

"Well, the Oda family was never one to lay down their arms and admit defeat. Come, and bring his body." Oda said as he stared down upon the body of the man in black.

"Wait, you're family name is Oda?" Harald asked, "We've been on a last name basis for _how_ long?"

"How much money do you have on you?" Oda asked as he walked away.

"Ehh… after lunch I have some left over. Why?" Harald asked, putting Alexander's body over his shoulder.

"Well, hopefully it'll be enough to buy us a miracle." Oda replied as the two ascended from the pit of despair.

* * *

With Alexander's body slung over Harald's shoulder, the two warriors stuck close to the center of the narrow swampland pass. King Enrico had a 'miracle man' on his payroll for many years, until he was fired by Prince Caesar after an incident involving two pineapples, a sheep sheared with a map of the known world on its back, one African swallow with coconuts tied to its feet, and a rubber chicken. Following that incident, the miracle man retreated to a shack in the swamp.

The pair reached the door and knocked until a panel opened. They could barely make out a heavily tattooed man with a few facial piercings.

"Are you the one known as Pacal, the miracle man who worked for the king?" Oda asked.

"I was, now I'm not, now you're giving me visions of an apocalyptic _past_! Get off my property or I'll sic the wife on you!" Pacal spat back, slamming the panel shut.

"What did he mean by… the wife?" Harald asked, "Is he married or…?"

Before Oda could answer, there was a hissing sound from a doghouse nearby. Only the doghouse was occupied by a massive saltwater crocodile… in a tattered sundress.

Both men stood in awe.

"Should we… bother with this quack?" Harald asked.

"He's our only hope." Oda said, knocking again.

"If the wife won't get off her ass and eat you, I'll have to call the brute squad!" Pacal growled from his panel.

"I'm on the brute squad." Harald said, waving lightly.

"_On_ the brute squad? You _are_ the brute squad!" Pacal quipped.

"This is an emergency, a task of upmost importance. We need a miracle." Oda explained.

"I've been retired, out of practice," Pacal complained, "I might kill whoever you need to save."

"He's already dead." Harald deadpanned.

"Huh. In that case, I'll give it a look." Pacal said, opening the door and letting the people in.

The inside of Pacal's shack was a little messy, with artifacts of ancient civilizations adorning the walls and shelves. In the middle of the room was a smooth stone altar, with bloodstains from who-knows-where decorating it.

"Put him on the altar, and don't worry about the mess. Human sacrifices are Tuesdays and every second Saturday night." Pacal said as he sorted through his tools.

Harald and Oda carefully placed Alexander's body on the table. Pacal examined him for a moment before raising his hand and dropping it back to the table.

"Surprisingly, I've seen worse." Pacal commented.

"_Worse_?" Oda asked.

"Trust me, you don't want to know the details. You got money?"

"Errr… The big guy has fifteen, and I have fifty." Oda said.

"Sixty-five?" Pacal asked, "I've never worked for so little, except one time. And that was a very noble cause."

"This is noble, sir. His wife crippled, children on the edge of starvation…" Oda was a terrible liar.

"You're going to have to do better than that." Pacal said, smiling a little.

"I need him to help me avenge my father and regain my honor." Oda said seriously leaning over the altar.

"…Okay, that first story was better, if the storyteller could've done a better job." Pacal said, "Doesn't matter, I'll ask him myself."

"He's dead, he can't talk." Harald said.

"Ah-ha! But that's where you're wrong," Pacal said, grabbing the bellows, "This man is only _mostly _dead! There's a huge difference between _mostly _dead and _dead_ dead. Can you get his mouth open?"

Oda opened Alexander's mouth to fit the tube into his mouth. Pacal continued as he pumped air into Alexander's body.

"Now, with _mostly_ dead, they're slightly alive and sometimes can be brought back. With _dead_ dead, there's only two thing to do."

"What's that?" Oda asked.

"Well, search him for loose change or forge his will, because he isn't ever getting up… unless you're into voodoo, but they always come back… _different_ with voodoo." Pacal quipped as he finished pumping. The Mayan put the bellows back and stood over the body. Leaning down, he began to shout at Alexander.

"Hey! Hello in there! If you're with us, why don't you tell me what's so important that you're still hanging on for?" Pacal asked.

Everyone gathered and leaned in close to Alexander's face as Pacal pressed down on his chest.

"True… love…" Alexander breathed out from his comatose state.

"Did you hear him? True love! There could not be a more noble cause!" Oda announced.

"Aye, true love, in all its rarity, is the most noble cause… but that's not what he said! I believe he said 'to blave', which means to bluff! This man is a chronic gambler, and I for one will not feed his addiction when-"

"LIAR!" A female battle cry interrupted Pacal. From behind a curtain, a woman with a similar set of tattoos charged.

"Get back, witch!" Pacal said, grabbing a Mayan staff from the counter and attempted to keep her at bay.

"In case you've forgotten, I am queen of the Celts, and more importantly _your wife_!" The woman shouted-

* * *

"WHAT?" Boudicca shouted in horror and shock as laughter erupted from around the table.

"Well, you did have some one-on-one time with Pacal in the past…" Dido teased.

"_Excuse_ me? I was _very _drunk! And so was he!" Boudicca shouted.

"Curious how this mystery writer is so aware of us, and even our scandals… could they be lurking in the highest reaches of our governments? They could be in this very room!" Pacal started with his conspiracies again.

"It could be _you_," He pointed to Washington, "It could be me! It could even be _Montezuma_!"

Everyone stared at the Mayan in shock at the final accusation. They all turned their heads over to Montezuma, who was sacrificing animal crackers on a chocolate bar altar.

"I… don't think so." Enrico said.

"I think the clearest argument could be made for Washington. I mean… _his_ agents allegedly brought the book. He has the strongest interest in it being read." Oda said, putting a hand to his chin in thought.

"Are you _sure_ he has the strongest interest?" Augustus asked, "One person has been adamant that we read this… romance, and that is Dido. She could have written it as a way to fuel her _obvious_ crush on our very own Alexander The Great."

"I do _not_!" Dido protested.

"Yes, you do." The entire table responded simultaneously.

"But what about Augustus?" Dido insisted, "His aversion to the book being read could be a smokescreen to the fact that _he_ wrote it!"

"All good theories, but shouldn't we get on to_ finishing_ the book?" Washington asked.

* * *

"In case you've forgotten, I am queen of the Celts, and more importantly _your wife_!" The woman shouted, "But after what you've said, I'd rather have died on the battlefield fighting the Roman Legion!"

"Boudicca, calm down, I'm working!" Pacal attempted to interrupt, but Boudicca continued her rant.

"True love! They said true love Pacal!" Boudicca turned to Oda, "He's a coward! Ever since Augustus Caesar fired him, he's lost his confidence." Boudicca explained to the two men.

"Never, _ever_ mention that name in my presence!" Pacal shouted.

"Who? Augustus?" Boudicca asked with a smirk on her face.

"No!" Pacal shouted as he ran throughout the shack, Boudicca on his heels repeating the Roman prince's name. Suddenly an idea came to Oda's head.

"This man's true love is forced to marry Caesar tonight! Bring him back and the wedding will be ruined!" Harald shouted over the two.

Immediately they both stopped in their tracks.

"Wait! I bring him back and Caesar suffers?" Pacal asked, running back to the table.

"Humiliations and more galore…" Oda said slowly.

"Ah-ha! Now _that_ is a noble cause!" Pacal announced with a creepy, evil laugh, "Boudicca, melt the chocolate!"

"Chocolate?" Harald asked as Pacal searched the messy shelves for his miracle pills.

"Helps it go down easier. They taste just awful on their own." Boudicca said.

"So… how do you know?" Oda asked.

"Pacal saved me from the battlefield. When Rome started trying to 'civilize' the 'barbarians' the Celts didn't want to go down easy. So we started to fight back." Boudicca commented as Pacal grabbed a paintbrush and a miracle pill.

"The Romans held their forces in a gorge with a forest on one side and an open plain on the other. We couldn't flank them, and we couldn't overwhelm them. And when we lost enough soldiers, their Legions stormed out, slaughtering everyone. I thought I was dead, but the next thing I know, I wake up on a stone table with that guy staring over me." Boudicca gestured over to Pacal, who was finishing coating the miracle pill with chocolate.

"Caesar wiped out the Maya while I worked at the palace." Pacal said, "The Huns surrendered for power… well at least for their leader. Most of the Mongols took to the sea as pirates. I hear the Aztec were victims of 'Roman civilization' as well. But as long as one still lives, there's a chance of renewal. I am the last chance for the Mayan people, and I stand side by side with the last Queen of the Celts."

"Then why not join us in the coming battle?" Harald asked.

"Tempting, but not this time," Boudicca said, "Tell you what, come back when it's over come back and visit sometime. We don't get many visitors."

"Now, back to the matter at hand! You've got to wait fifteen minutes before he takes this, but don't give him the pill if you need to be swimming. He can't swim for at least an hour after he takes it." Pacal deposited the pill in a small bag and handed it over.

"Thank you very much." Oda said with a bow as Harald hoisted Alexander over his shoulder.

After the two left, Boudicca looked over at Pacal.

"You think they'll succeed?"

Pacal laughed, "It'd take a miracle."


	13. Chapter Twelve: The Wedding Crashers

**A/N: **It was pointed out to me that Oda is actually the family name, and Nobunaga is the first name. I apologize to Japan for being accidentally ignorant of your culture. The error has been fixed. The next chapter will be devoted to the Oda Nobunaga/Attila The Hun duel, so stay tuned.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: The Wedding Crashers**

* * *

Oda and Harald carefully crawled out of the view of the sixty guards manning the gate. It was difficult to move quietly and stealthily while carrying an unconscious body on their backs, but they managed to find a good spot they could watch the guards from.

"Oda, there's a few more than we expected." Harald deadpanned.

"So what? We've got him!" Oda said, pointing at Alexander's lifeless body, "Come on, we can't delay any longer. Time to give him the pill."

"Has it been fifteen minutes yet?" Harald asked as he tiled Alexander's head back and forced his mouth open.

"I am unsure, but we cannot wait any longer." Oda admitted as he took the pill from its pouch. The samurai deposited the pill in the Greek's open mouth and poked it down his throat.

"How long does this pill take to work?" Harald asked.

"You know, that is something we should have asked Pacal. No way to tell otherwise." Oda replied.

As Oda spoke, Alexander opened his eyes. "I'll rip you apart! I'll take you both on! I'll bite your legs off-"

Harald clamped his hand over Alexander's mouth, cutting of his stream of threats, "Huh. That was fast."

Alexander looked around as best he could with his state of relative paralysis.

"Why can't I move my arms?"

"That's a nasty side effect of spending most of the day mostly dead." Harald deadpanned.

"We had Pacal, the Miracle Mayan, give us one of his miracle pills to bring you back." Oda followed up.

"Who are you?" Alexander asked, squinting his eyes, "Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Dido?"

"Let me explain…" Oda started, "Actually there is too much, let us try to sum it up. Dido is forced to marry Augustus in just over thirty minutes. So we need to break in, break up the wedding, get your princess back, and get out. And I need to kill Attila The Hun, the warlord who killed my father."

"Huh. So we don't have much time to waste." Alexander commented, "Any known obstacles?"

"Well, there's the castle gate…" Oda said as he helped Alexander look just barely around their cover, "And it's guarded by sixty men."

"Alright, what do we have?" Alexander asked.

"Your brain, my skill, Harald's strength." Oda replied.

"That's all? If I had a month to plan with these, maybe, but half an hour?" Alexander said, shaking his head.

"You shook your head! Progress!" Harald laughed.

"I mean, if we had anything else… a wheelbarrow for instance…" Alexander mused. Oda and Harald looked at each other.

"Where did we put the wheelbarrow Gandhi had?"

"Over Gandhi."

"Why did you say that before? While we're pulling things from thin air, what about a holocaust cloak?" Alexander asked sarcastically as Harald held up a long black robe.

"You mean this old thing? I've carried this around since the Bald Mountain job." Harald said.

"Okay, I'm getting something." Alexander said as the two helped him up and kept him in a standing position. "I'll need a sword."

"You can't carry one." Oda commented.

"That's not common knowledge… now when we get inside, that's where troubles may start."

The three moved along their wall in relative silence, plans in motion, gears turning.

* * *

"You don't seem particularly excited." Augustus commented as Dido's hair was styled by the castle staff.

"Should I be?" Dido asked venomously.

"Brides often are, I'm told." The Roman prince deadpanned.

"I will not marry tonight. Alexander will come for me." Dido commented assertively. The staff had finished with her hair, and so Dido walked from the room.

Behind her, Augustus wore a sinister smile.

* * *

In the dark of the night, three figures watched the gates. The sixty men were vigilant, but they would be unable to expect what would come next. Alexander, Oda, and Harald turned from their view of the gate and to each other. Giving each other a nod, Harald put his hand forward. Oda put his hand over Harald's. With difficulty, Alexander managed to put his hand on top of the pile.

They were ready to crash this party.

* * *

The sound of organ music was heard throughout the chapel as a man in a priestly garb gazed with a glass-eyed look over the crowd. When the music stopped, he tore off his priestly garb and drew a knife, chanting in a foreign language, much to the shock of the crowd.

"Montezuma…" Augustus whispered under his breath, trying to get the priest's attention, to no avail.

"_Montezuma_…" Augustus spoke louder, but the man continued to rant in a foreign language, gesturing wildly with his knife.

"_MONTEZUMA_! This is not one of your sacrificial ceremonies, _this is my wedding_!" Augustus finally shouted.

The man stopped mid sentence and put his knife on the table behind him. Attendants rushed in and gave him a cloak of white feathers and a matching headdress. Dido eyed Montezuma with a sense of familiarity.

"I knew we should've just given him his ceremonial cloak… he always rips the clergy uniform…" Maria whispered to herself.

With everything in place, Montezuma spoke.

"MAWWIAGE!" He shouted in a booming voice, "MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BRRRINGS US TOOOOGETHEEERRRR TOOODAY!"

Augustus held a hand to his temple as his headache began to worsen.

"MAWWIAGE! THAT BRRRRRRRESSED ARRANGEMENT-AH! A DREAM! WITHIN! A DREAM!"

From beyond the gates, some kind of commotion could be heard, causing everyone to shift nervously. Augustus glanced over at Attila as the ceremony continued.

* * *

"Stand your ground!" Hamilicar shouted to his terrified men. The sixty soldiers were in a wall formation blocking the gates, but the Legions shook in their boots at the figure before them. The massive faceless creature wore a black cloak, concealing its appearance from the terrified soldiers. It slowly lumbered closer, over seven feet of malice and evil.

What they didn't know was that this figure was Harald Bluetooth, being rolled forward on a wheelbarrow by Oda Nobunaga with Alexander hanging from Oda's back.

"I am known as… Mors!" Harald's booming voice called ahead to the men.

"Death himself has come for us!" A Legionnaire screamed as soldiers began to flee.

"Now?" Oda asked as he struggled to move forward.

"Not yet!" Alexander whispered back.

"The time of your judgment… has come!" Harald said, pointing at the men before him.

"_Now_?" Oda asked, struggling to continue.

"Light him." Alexander deadpanned.

Oda took a lit candle and held it to Harald's cloak, which immediately burst into flames.

"The gates of the underworld are open, awaiting your arrival! Come! Meet your fate!" The Viking declared, causing every remaining soldier to flee in absolute terror.

* * *

"ANNND LOVE! TRRRRRRRRUUUUUUEEEEE LOOOOOVE! SHALL FOLLLOW YOU! WHEREVER YOU MAY RRRRRROAM!" Montezuma's speech continued as wedding guests began to whisper in fear of the disturbance outside. Or of Montezuma, who had foamed at the mouth at least twice since the ceremony started. Caesar looked back to Attila and motioned for him to take the guards and handle the disturbance.

"FOOOOOOOORRRREEEEEEEVVVVVAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Can we skip to the end?" Augustus groaned, fingers pressed lightly into his eyes.

"HAVE YE THE WIIIIINGS?" Montezuma asked.

As Caesar took the rings, Dido wore a confident smirk.

"It appears that Alexander is still coming for me."

"Alexander is dead. I killed him myself." Augustus confided as he slipped the ring on her finger.

"They why do you look so afraid?" Dido bit back.

* * *

"Stand your ground men! Stand and fight!" Hamilicar screamed desperately at his men as they fled, some leaving trails of urine as they went. Eventually it was him alone, back to the gate with the towering figure of burning death standing over him.

"Close the bars! Lower the portcullis!" Hamilicar shouted, back firmly against the doors.

However, as the iron gate descended, the burning figure cast aside its cloak of flames and caught the portcullis mid-fall, forcing it back up. Oda, carrying Alexander rushed to the gate.

"Give us the gate key." Alexander demanded.

"I-I-I-I have n-n-n-no gate key." Hamilicar said in absolute terror.

"Harald, rip his arms off." Oda ordered.

"Oh, you mean this gate key." Hamilicar said quickly, pulling the key from around his neck and dropping it in Oda's awaiting hand.

* * *

"DOOOO YOU! PRRRRRINCEEEESH DIIIIIIDO!" Montezuma, wild eyed, asked Dido.

"MAN AND WIFE, FOR GOD'S SAKE! _MAN AND WIFE_!" Augustus shouted, having reached his breaking point.

Montezuma paused.

"Man and wife." He said in a confused, calm deadpan.

"Please escort my bride to the honeymoon suite, I shall arrive shortly." Augustus said quickly as he retreated from the room.

Dido looked dazed as King Enrico absentmindedly took her arm.

"He… didn't come…?"

* * *

Oda lead the trio through the hallways. Katana at the ready, he slowly sneaked through the corridors, with Harald just behind him, half carrying, half dragging Alexander. Turning a corner, they came face to face with Attila and his guards, coming around the corner at the other end of the hall.

There was a moment of silent watching before Attila spoke.

"Kill the Viking and the samurai. Leave the invalid alive for questioning."

His four guards rushed toward Oda. The first wielded a pike, and was deflected by Oda's blade and into a wall. The second attempted a vertical slash, only to be stabbed and gutted quickly by Oda's faster reflexes. The third guard tried a horizontal slash, only for Oda to duck. The third guard accidentally killed the first, and Oda stabbed behind him, impaling the third guard without once taking his eyes away from Attila. The fourth guard was beheaded in a single, clean cut.

"Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Oda said his well-rehearsed line, as he glared down his opponent.

Attila drew the blackened sword from his hip and adopted a fighting stance, only to turn on his heel and sprint down the hallway. Oda immediately gave chase, leaving Harald and Alexander behind.

As Harald and Alexander attempted to move after them, they could hear a slamming door.

"Harald! I need your help!" Oda's shout could be heard from further down the hall.

"Wait here, Alex. I'll be right back." Harald groaned as he gently laid Alexander down amongst the bodies of the guards.

Harald ran up to his friend, who was bouncing from the wall, into the door, and back, desperately trying to break it down. Harald stopped Oda before he ran into the door again, and kicked the door down with ease.

"Many thanks!" Oda said as he ran through the open doorway.

* * *

"That was a wonderful wedding!" King Enrico commented as he made his way down the hallway with Dido and his wife.

"If by 'wonderful' you mean 'strange'… I think we need a new minister." Queen Maria replied.

Dido leaned over to give Enrico a small peck on the cheek.

"What was that for?" The king asked absentmindedly.

"You've always been so kind to me, and I'm afraid we won't see each other again. I'll be killing myself when we reach the honeymoon suite." Dido admitted, despondent.

"Won't that be nice?" Enrico replied, clearly having grown senile.

* * *

When Harald returned to where he left Alexander, he found nothing but the bodies of the slain guards. The Viking shrugged his shoulders in confusion.

* * *

"Whoa, wait a minute! Where did I go?" Alexander asked, to the surprise of no one.

"I'm sure we'll find out, but it's not important right now!" Genghis Khan said.

"What matters is our Nobunaga will finally be getting his revenge on Attila!" Harald added, clapping Oda on the back.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: To The Death

**A/N:** Here we are at last: the Oda/Attila duel! We're right down to the wire, only one chapter and the epilogue from here. But things may not go as you expect…

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: To The Death **

* * *

Attila led Oda in a wild chase through the castle's depths. The Hun overturned obstacles to slow the samurai down as he retreated deeper into his dungeon. However, Oda was quick to get around them. As the samurai turned a corner and charged through a door there was a hissing noise. Oda instinctively dove and rolled, having narrowly dodged a crossbow bolt fired by the Hunnic warlord. The two stared each other down.

"You must be that Japanese nobleman's son I dueled all those years ago. And you've come this far… that's impressive." Attila commented, keeping aim on Oda.

"I have waited for twenty years for this moment. I do not intend to fail." Oda adopted a fighting stance, ready for Attila to fire his next shot.

"Your honor rests on killing me. Unfortunate." Attila said a grim look on his face.

"Why? Are you that afraid of death?" Oda growled at his enemy.

"My people were enslaved. Subjugated. I was on the cusp of my own vengeance against Augustus Caesar." Attila snapped back in anger.

"Do you expect me to believe that?" Oda questioned, not once moving from his fighting stance.

"Have you seen the Hunnic ghettoes? The shacks my people beg from, working hard labor for the Romans in exchange for their breadcrumbs?" Attila was furious as he lowered his crossbow to rant at Oda, "I've turned a blind eye to their plights for twenty years, but no longer."

"Is this where you try to convince me to join you? To overthrow Caesar and rule at your side?" Oda mockingly asked.

"No. Your path is set, and I'll not try to divert you from it." Attila admitted, "Only ask yourself what the cost of your revenge is. I've abandoned my people, I've committed atrocities in the name of my enemies, and I've had to walk alongside my most hated foe and feign allegiance. What will your vengeance cost you? What has it cost you?"

Oda looked down as Attila cast aside his crossbow and drew the blackened sword.

"The Roman Legion has gifted this blade the name of _The Sword of Mars_. They believe the god of war crafted it for my hand alone. Not a day goes by where I don't relish and regret killing your father. This sword is too great to have more brothers."

Oda adjusted his stance in preparation of the upcoming duel.

"The restoration of my honor depends on your defeat. Let us begin!"

* * *

"Oh, hell yeah!" The resounding shout from Harald, Boudicca, Attila, and Genghis Khan accompanied the clinking of mugs and the placement of bets on the outcome of the duel.

"Children." Enrico whispered over to Maria who scoffed lightly in agreement.

"I bet ten gold that Oda kills Attila!" Harald boasted.

"I agree with fifteen!" Boudicca agreed.

"I throw twenty that I emerge victorious!" Attila shouted.

"I second that with ten!" Genghis was not far behind.

"Can we just get back to the-" Washington started but was interrupted.

"What about the rest of you? Don't be shy!" Harald teased.

"Alright… I'll put fifteen on Oda. It's only right that he gets his honor back." Dido reasoned.

"I'll put ten on Oda." Alexander agreed.

"Ten on Attila." Augustus said.

"I will not gamble." Gandhi said, putting a hand up.

"Nor will I." Enrico agreed.

"I'll put twenty on Oda." Maria announced.

"I've read the story, so I can't bet." Washington commented.

"I'll put thirty on Oda winning… but sparing Attila." Pacal said.

The table immediately turned to the Mayan. There was a moment of silence before the table erupted into argument. Washington tried desperately to quell the noise to no avail.

"NOBODY MOVE!"

Everyone turned and stared at Montezuma who was standing on the table.

"I've lost Boo!"

"What?" Augustus asked.

"His pet-" Pacal started to say when Dido suddenly screamed, jumping into Alexander's lap.

"Something crawled across my foot!" She continued to shriek.

Montezuma sprung into action, jumping from the table and diving after the rodent. After another second, Montezuma emerged from under the table, holding a hamster.

"Montezuma… put that away. We're going to get back to reading." Washington scolded.

"…Where was he keeping it?" Boudicca whispered to Genghis, who shrugged his shoulders.

* * *

Oda charged at Attila, not giving him the chance to truly prepare himself. Attila blocked the first strike and stepped to the side, kicking at the samurai's knee. Oda jumped over Attila's kick and slashed at his head mid-jump. The Hun dodged by tucking into a roll. From there Attila pushed his offence.

Immediately after he broke from his roll, Attila swung his sword around, clearing his path as he faced his opponent. He continued with powerful, wild strikes, which Oda was quick to block and deflect. When Attila attempted a heavy vertical slash, Oda sidestepped and struck Attila in the face with the hilt of his sword.

Attila stumbled back and had almost no time to recover before he was immediately put on the defensive, forced to block Oda's lightning-fast strikes. As he attempted to block, Attila grabbed a chair with his free hand and jabbed at the samurai, pushing him back. Attila then, tossed the chair and charged.

Oda stumbled back, but was fast enough to cut the chair with his blade and re-engage the warlord-turned-count. Both men were on the attack, turning their offence into defense and trading strikes. The battle took them around the room, over the dining table and back again. While standing atop the table, their blades locked.

"Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Oda repeated his mantra.

"Hello. My name is Attila The Hun. You stand in the way of my vengeance. Prepare to die." Attila responded.

The Hun adjusted his blade, sending Oda stumbling past him. With Oda's back to Attila, the Hun was able to take the sword from Oda's back. Oda, in turn drew the second blade from his hip.

Both men fought furiously with their swords. Attila was not accustomed to the differing weights of the swords, but used the weight of his primary sword to better defend himself. Moving down from the table, the duel raged on. Attila's unfamiliarity with the lighter blade eventually caught up with him, and the katana he borrowed was knocked from his hand.

Despite the sudden lack of a second sword, Attila held his ground, blocking the wild strikes of the samurai. The Hun dodged a set of strikes and jumped over the table. When Oda threatened to follow, Attila flipped the table, creating separation between the samurai and himself. Using the opportunity, Attila took a throwing dagger from his boot and flung it at his opponent as the dust cleared from the table.

The dagger hit Oda in the stomach. The samurai dropped his secondary sword and stumbled backwards, leaning against the wall.

"I'm sorry father… I tried."

Attila sheathed the Sword of Mars and sighed, "It really didn't have to end this way, but you left me no choice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Roman Prince to butcher." Attila walked past Oda and toward the stairs. However, there was a clinking sound.

Attila turned around to see Oda had pulled the dagger from his gut and dropped it on the floor. The samurai was having difficulty standing, but still walked toward Attila, blade in hand.

"Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Are you seriously still trying to win?" Attila groaned as he turned back to the duel. Making three strikes to kill his opponent, the Hun found that Oda was still capable of blocking every single one.

"Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Attila continued to try to finish his wounded opponent, but to no avail.

"Hello. My name is Oda Nobunaga. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!" Attila growled, putting more force behind his attacks.

Oda blocked and locked blades with Attila for a moment before adrenaline took over. Oda struck harder and faster than ever before, repeating his mantra.

"Hello! My name is Oda Nobunaga! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

As Oda pushed the attack, he eventually managed to disarm Attila. The Hun was backed against the wall, with no weapon in reach.

"Offer me money." Oda taunted, cutting one side of Attila's face, as Attila had done in their first duel.

"You would not accept it." Attila spat back.

"Offer me power." Oda taunted again, cutting the opposite side of Attila's face.

"You would not accept that either! Now finish it!" Attila demanded.

"No," Oda said, sheathing his katana, "Killing you will not restore my honor, nor will it bring my father back. I'm done."

Attila stared in shock as Oda collected the swords he lost in the battle.

"What kind of joke is this?" Attila shouted.

"Killing you would make me no better. I have proved myself the better man and regained my honor. Return my father's sword when your quest is complete." Oda said before he ran up the staircase, leaving Attila alone.

* * *

Pacal's maniacal laughter and the curses of the other gamblers filled the room as coin was distributed.

"Now that _that's_ over with, we can find out where Alexander went…" Gandhi commented.


	15. Chapter Fourteen: To The Pain

**A/N: **Well, we're down to the wire. Due to the short length of these final two chapters, they will be double-posted. We won't delay the end of this story any longer.

I bet that duel didn't end as you thought it would! Gotcha! *evil laughter* :}

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: To The Pain**

* * *

Dido walked in a haze to the desk of the honeymoon suite. Sitting down, she took a box and opened it, gazing at the dagger that lay within. Dido gingerly grabbed the handle and aimed the blade inward, to her heart. Taking a sharp breath, Dido was about to plunge the dagger into her chest when a voice called from behind her.

"You know, there are a shortage of beautiful women in the world. It would be a shame if we lost another."

Dido turned to see Alexander lying on her bed with a sword beside him.

"Alexander!" Dido exclaimed excitedly. However, when she reached him, Dido slapped her love across the face before kissing him.

"Why didn't you break up the wedding?"

"I'm sorry, but I _did _spend most of the day mostly dead…" Alexander quipped.

Dido smiled and began to plant a series of kisses across Alexander's face.

"…Gently." Alexander said quietly.

"At a time like this? That's all you have to say?" Dido asked, pulling Alexander's head up to her's.

"Gently!" Alexander's voice was still a little quiet, but somewhat strained. His head slipped out of Dido's hands and landed against the headboard with a thud.

"…Sorry." Dido apologized sheepishly.

"For dropping me?"

"For getting married. Caesar sped up the ceremony." Dido looked to be on the verge of tears.

"It never happened." Alexander said in a calm, confident voice.

"Thank you for forgiving me, but it doesn't…"

"No, I mean you were never married. Did you say 'I do'?"

"Well…" Dido thought back to the ceremony, "No, he kind of skipped that part."

"Well if you didn't say it, you didn't do it, and it never happened." Alexander reasoned, "Wouldn't you agree, your highness?"

"A technicality." Augustus spoke from the doorframe, as a flustered Dido climbed off the bed quickly.

"A technicality that will be remedied shortly," Caesar continued, "But first things first: to the death!"

The Roman drew a gladius from his hip and took a step forward.

"No! To the pain." Alexander countered.

"I don't believe I'm familiar with that one." Augustus commented, stopping in his tracks.

"Then I'll explain… and I'll be sure to use small words you can understand, you warthog-faced buffoon." Alexander said snidely. The look of indignant anger on Caesar's face nearly made the princess burst into laughter.

"I believe that is the first time a man has dared insult me to my face in such a manner."

"It certainly will _not_ be the last," Alexander continued, "To the pain means you will first lose your feet, below the ankles. Then the hands, just below the wrist. And your nose."

"And my tongue next, I suppose…" Augustus interrupted, "I killed you too _quickly_ last time, and I will not repeat that mistake."

"I was not finished!" Alexander said sharply, stopping the Roman in his tracks again, "You will then lose your left eye, followed by your right."

"And then my ears, let's be on with it!"

"No!" Alexander shouted, "Your ears you keep. That way you will hear every child wail, every man jeer, ever woman pray to their god what kind of creature sits before them… will ring for eternity within your 'perfect' ears."

"_That_ is what 'To the Pain' means. It means I leave you wallowing in your well-deserved freakish misery… forever."

"You're bluffing." Augustus said in a shaky voice.

"Maybe I am. Maybe I'm only lying here because I spent most of the day dead and have not yet recovered the strength to stand."

The two glared at each other in silence before Alexander broke the noiselessness.

"Then again… maybe I do have the strength."

Alexander slowly, dramatically, rose to his feet, gripping his sword, aiming it towards Caesar's throat.

"Drop. Your. Sword." He commanded.

Almost immediately, Caesar's sword fell to the ground with a clatter.

"Take a seat."

Augustus obeyed, sitting down in the chair Dido was prepared to kill herself in.

"Dido, dear, could you please tie him up? And feel free to make it as tight as you like."

Dido eagerly took the bed sheets and some rope and tied Augustus to the chair.

As Dido finished up, Oda ran through the door.

"Where's Harald?"

"Wasn't he with you?" Alexander asked.

"Only to kick down a door."

"In that case." Alexander almost immediately dropped to the floor.

"Ah-ha! I _knew _you were bluffing!" Augustus exclaimed, tied into his chair.

"Shall I dispose of him for you?" Oda asked, aiming his katana at Caesar's neck.

"_I'll_ handle that." A voice came from the doorframe. The room turned to see a bloodied Attila, still gripping the Sword of Mars.

"Attila?!" Caesar exclaimed as the Hun's sword was raised to his neck.

"Did you think I would abandon my people forever? That the Huns would truly bend their knee to Rome?"

"You were my most trusted general!" Augustus was pale with horror as Attila circled the chair.

"Keep your friends close… but your enemies closer." Attila taunted, "The three of you may want to leave and close the door. But do not go far. I will go with you."

"Really?" Alexander asked, supported by Dido and Oda, "And here I thought you and Mr. Honor here had some score to settle."

"That is behind us." Oda said, guiding the trio from the room, closing the door behind him.

Augustus shook the chair, hoping to escape his fate.

"What was it you said to the courts after slaughtering my people into submission?" Attila asked as he prepared to end his mortal enemy's life.

"Oh, I remember… _Veni, Vidi, Vici._"

Caesar's scream was cut short, and Attila walked from the room, gripping a bloody sword.

* * *

The room stared in shock.

"That was dark." Alexander commented. Murmurs of assent filled the room.

"It's what I would've done." Attila tossed in his two cents.

"That's what scares me." Augustus replied.

"Could you save the chatter for later? We're almost done." Washington groaned.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, that was a little dark. Little secret of what could've been: When originally writing, I was planning on using a modification of the book's ending, where Dido and Alexander would escape to America to flee Caesar's wrath. However, when writing the duel between Oda and Attila, I was reminded of the ending of Assassin's Creed II, and chose to use a scene inspired by that moment. While writing this chapter, I realized that Attila would use the chance to claim his revenge against Caesar while he was defenceless and alone.

Backstage exposition aside, the finale awaits!


	16. Epilogue: The Grand Finale

**A/N:** Here we are: the end of the road. Before we begin, I'd like to thank Anakin3209 for following, Karehai and Xerion for favouriting, Imperator Justinian for their very helpful reviews, thedoctorspersonalblogger for including some of my ideas in her Frozen fic "_Sorority Sisters_" (go check it out, I highly recommend it), Project X for helping me get this far as a writer, and Black John from TV Tropes, who added _The Consul Bride_ to their Fan Fiction Recommendations. If the _(un)Civilized_ series could get its own page, I'd be grateful.

Whoops, did I say series? Spoilers… :}

* * *

**Epilogue: The Grand Finale**

* * *

"Oda! Where are ye?" Harald's voice could be heard (with a slight slur) as Attila closed the door behind him. The four of them walked to a nearby window and opened it.

"There you are! I found the storeroom… and woke up in the stables. I saw these four horses… and figured there would be four of us when we find the lady." Harald shouted up to them, "Hello Dido!"

Dido smiled and waved.

"I figured if we met back up, we could take them. And here we are!" Harald laughed.

Alexander, Attila, and Oda exchanged glances.

"If it's not too much to ask… 'Genghis'…" Attila said as Oda helped Dido down the windowsill, "Would you find it in your heart to pass me the title when you retire?"

Alexander shrugged, "Well, I don't see why not. Other than you trying to kill me."

"Yeah… sorry about that." Attila muttered, scratching the back of his head.

Alexander and Attila were the next to climb down. Harald gave them a funny look.

"Picked up an extra, did we?"

"I have my own horse. And Oda, thank you." Attila said, retrieving a black horse and running off separate from the four white horses and their riders.

* * *

With the coming dawn, the four riders knew for a fact they were safe. With their newfound freedom, a wave of love swept over Dido and Alexander. And as they reached for each other-

* * *

"…What?" Alexander asked, realizing the room was staring at him and that Washington had not paused for dramatic effect.

"This is usually the part where you interrupt me." Washington said.

"Look, just finish the damn story." Alexander said, noticing that Dido's chair was next to his again. How did he keep missing that?

* * *

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

With the death of Augustus, the throne was passed to his cousin Julius Caesar. Julius was a smart man, and immediately began work on repairing bonds with the bordering nations and freeing the barbarian tribes, giving them full citizenship.

Oda Nobunaga returned to his native Japan, to honor his father's memory. Following a period of three months, he left to rejoin his friend Harald to travel the world. Within that three-month period, Harald returned to his homeland to tell the stories of his journey.

Attila The Hun became the new Genghis Khan, plundering the seas for three years before finding his old friend Temujin and retiring with him. Attila chose not to name a successor, ending the legacy of the Dread Pirate Genghis Khan.

Pacal and Boudicca were brought back into the Roman Empire. Boudicca became a fearsome general, and Pacal once again served as a miracle worker. Before his death many years later, Pacal recorded the history of the Maya in a cryptic journal. Many years later, this journal would be misinterpreted and cause several apocalyptic scares.

Dido and Alexander bought a countryside farmland estate and settled down to raise a family. The rest of their lives are lost to history, but it is assumed they lived happily ever after.

* * *

"The End." Washington said, closing the book. The leaders applauded as Washington took a bow.

"A marvelous story! But I'm still curious as to who wrote it." Maria commented.

"Hey Washington, you should read it at the next meeting! Maybe Bismarck and Elizabeth would get a kick out of it." Harald suggested.

"Yeah, read it again sometime!" Dido agreed.

"As you wish." Washington said with a small smile and a dramatic bow.

With that the leaders began to file out of the room. Maria and Enrico exited, discussing city-state politics, though in a much friendlier manner than before. Boudicca, Attila, Harald, Oda, and Genghis gushed about the action sequences. Gandhi and Pacal made small talk about nuclear weapons, and Gandhi was sure to ease Pacal's mind about his apocalyptic fears. Montezuma accompanied Pacal and Gandhi. Alexander and Dido left together, although it was Alexander who suggested they meet up at a later time for dinner. Washington merely packed the book into its case and left in silence.

* * *

"It would appear my writings were well-received!" A figure laughed evilly to himself as he sat alone in the backseat of his limousine, "Perhaps the next book will be finished in time for the next session?"

Montezuma opened his laptop and cracked his fingers in anticipation.

"And here… we… go…"

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

**A/N:** This has been quite the journey, hasn't it? I've pushed my limits as a writer further than ever before, and I'm quite pleased with the result. People from all around the world have viewed this story at one point or another, which I had never even considered when I first posted _(un)Civilized_.

_(un)Civilized_ was always meant to be a series, and as such, the sequel, _Without A Clue_ (a parody of the 1985 movie based on the popular board game) is under construction as of right now. I can't tell you when or if it will be finished, but I hope it will be soon.

Then again, maybe inspiration for another one of my fifteen writing projects will return. Maybe I'll get inspiration for something new? Who knows? Stay tuned.


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